It is not strange that most of us circle our lives around illusions...things which are a certain way because we want them to be, maybe because we need a bit of perfection in some part or another. But it becomes a strange ride indeed when these illusions start evaporating. No matter where or when that happenes, it is always that strange or hurtful because certain institutions become too essential to let go of. It does not happen to all, or maybe it does and not everyone is willing to own up to having believed in mere "ideas".
Consistency. Why is it so hard to find? Why is it so hard to give? Yes, we all know life is unpredictable. But is there not anything to hold on to? Some of us grow up thinking places will change, circles and duties will change, relationships will not. Like a writer wrote... "because immortal". Yet relationships and equations are exactly what change most, and sometimes you do not even know why. All you are left with is a bitter cup of a new found "reality". In the immediate
aftershock, old memories and ties become subject to "if i could just stop hating you". Years later, if you are lucky, regret appears and you may even mend old tears. But more often than not, lifetimes go by feeling misunderstood and disappointed.
Care does not always come in conventional forms. Some people will always "mother" you around. You might be siblings, friends or partners. They care if you do not study, they care if you are disappointed, they care if you are sick, they care if you fall when playing. But just like this "care" becomes "nagging" when the child turns into a teenager, this "care" becomes quite hard to digest when it comes from one who is not old enough to tell you what to do. The only difference here is that you can make it stop.
Life does not suddenly become your own or otherwise. By sharing your life, you do not hand it over. Its when you take responsibilities that you feel the sense of "owing" something to someone. Yes, its true that its irritating when you do not ask someone to be responsible for you and they are.Its not fair, having to explain things to anyone other than whom you are obligated to. But beyond those questions, nagging and anger lies the foundation of not wanting you to be hurt, not wanting you to scrape yourself. And it is not a favour that is done to you. That is just how they are. In fact, sometimes, that is how they have always been. But the knowledge of someone waiting for you is not that bad, neither is it permanent.
For some people it is a way of loving, simply. But for some, it comes from a real or imagined, but equally powerful fear of loss. There are few things half as scary as the constant fear of losing those close to you. Some worries and doubts go beyond the apparent want of a social life. Even so, feelings are misconstrued. Suddenly things are constrained to the single crime of "interference". What do you do then? Stop caring? It is not that easy. But sometimes there is no other option. Like always, you just have to get used to it. Maybe people should just find better ways of voicing anxieties. But that would be Utopia.
You look back and you see this entire plethora of memories...of dreams and chocolates shared, of childish emotions felt. You remember the laughs, the "just like that" hugs, the fears and that concrete security of knowing that "this is forever". Then out of nowhere, a single memory stands out...like that of an out and out silly time of crying inexplicably when someone went on a vacation! Or of turning awkwardly emotional when someone hugged you out of the blue and said "I just love you".
These very memories become the problem, because you can feel all the bitterness that you want but you know you would rather disappear yourself than lose them or have them proved wrong. At these times you feel how much prettier life would be if you could just vanish. And you feel angry at characters like Harry Potter and ask, "Don't know what you are complaining about, after a point, You were never really lonely."
The knowledge that you will not always have to do this feels good sometimes. But when you realise that one day time will run out and distance win, you feel a sort of desperation, anger perhaps.Or you simply cry harder into your pillow. Though I hate this city, it is here that I have understood a lot of things. I can never be the free, easy going, fun person. Their is always a worry of "getting home", not disappointing which perhaps stems from beyond being a geek. It comes from a sense of guilt. It is stupid and upsetting to others as well, but for some of us, life is truly not our won. Letting go is one of the hardest things for me to do, but hopefully, I will learn.
After all, not everyone's story is like that of Harry's...lonely and out of place at first but finding loyalty and glory in the end. Some of our stories are like that of James Potter, Lupin and Sirius...each true in their own way, but in the end, defeated and essentially, all lonely.
