aaaarrrgghhh!i am so sick of people. i hate living here with a bunch of toads as relatives who all go behind my back telling each other how bad i am. their biggest fear (or hope?) is my boyfriend (?) with whom im having a hot affair . anytime a male friend calls, oh! there it goes again.
i feel like telling them that i do infact have boyfriend(s) and am a slut. besides even if i ever do, i do not think i would need to ask a bunch of smelly hags about it.
and then there are those who are your loved ones...friends,etc.. people who turn to you for help. who claim they never want to hurt you. yet they keep doing things that do infact HURT! they do not do it conciously which is worse. it just goes to show how little they understand and know you.
when i'm angry, i yell. when i'm hurt i am not able to do or say anything. but can those who love you, whom you trust and care about, not get simple basics? i am a doormat. as in i allow anything, even if it comes at the cost of my feelings sometimes. no i am not great. just stupid. i do not open up very easy about everything. nobody can spell things out for someone to get, especially when that someone is supposed to be one of your "best friends".
some say they respect me because i'm so very "understanding". no i am human. i get hurt...and easy. in case you are still lost...yes i am feeling angry and hurt and tired.
and what am i doing about it? am i showing my anger? no. but yes, believe me, i have tried. but i suppose oblivion is a blessed state. sorry for making you read such crap. i had no other choice.
p.s.:my uncle gifted my a sleek n small music player. i am strange...i have named my phone (do not ask) and this one too. well i hate shopping, so i had to even it out somewhere! and it,no sorry he is called Iskra Spirit. it means power of the spirit. this i something i hope i can have someday... Sigh!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Polluted Celebrations...
hello!back after so long but back nonetheless.i witnessed yet another durga puja a few days ago and i want to write something about what i saw. i know it does not sound too great but you do not expect that anyway right?
day-1(Saptami):i see not so much crowded pandals (they are less crowded on the first day,i cant really say why.) junk food stalls line up and people walk about dressed all fancy.some sit and admire the idols.i do too and leave for fear of the crowd gathering strength.
day-2(asthami):i go out at night and see a stream of people all glittering and looking quite ahem pretty(read: scary). i see groups of strange boys staring at glittering females. i see females putting in an extra dose of giggles and hand waving, some enjoying perverted stares. i see women looking at sarees of other women. i see hardly anyone looking at the goddess herself. in one pandal i see a crowd dancing to a bad singer's bollywood tunes. in another section of that same pandal i see 3 to 5 people praying to the idols.
day-3(navami):again i go out at night and make it a point not to wear anything that shines. i stand amidst a sea of people and of strange perfumes all merged and so i pray for fresh air. i see women,girls and children alike all dressed in gleaming clothes and all looking like potential energy sources.
day-4(dashami): i go in the morning to take a last look at the goddess. i see her children half drunk and progressing in the name of the grief they feel to see her go. that people...is puja.
as i child i loved this festival.3 days of fun. i used to wait all year in anticipation. but i remember above all, i used to keep looking at Her idol's face and feeling a strange sadness. it had nothing to do with the pujas ending but i always felt a sense of pain whenever i looked at her. still do.
there is something about Her hair and the way it falls on Her arms that always used to remind me of my own mother. strange,but true.
on the last day this year, i spent 20 minutes or so staring at Her again while people danced around me. for the slightest second i think i saw a sign of Her existence on that clay face. i felt a strange sense of purpose and the security of knowing my path and of company too. no, i am not religious, but i just felt that. i looked around me, at her children, at myself. then i looked back up at Her and suddenly i knew the reason behind that old familiar sense of pain.
almost every dashami evening, a little portion of the sky is stained with red. my grandma told me its a sign of Her love and presence. i believed her. i thought of what people do in those 3 days and understood it to be happiness because the earth's daughter (that is what She is called sometimes) has come home. but this time when i tought of her drunken children bidding her farewell, that same red patch started meaning something very different to me.
day-1(Saptami):i see not so much crowded pandals (they are less crowded on the first day,i cant really say why.) junk food stalls line up and people walk about dressed all fancy.some sit and admire the idols.i do too and leave for fear of the crowd gathering strength.
day-2(asthami):i go out at night and see a stream of people all glittering and looking quite ahem pretty(read: scary). i see groups of strange boys staring at glittering females. i see females putting in an extra dose of giggles and hand waving, some enjoying perverted stares. i see women looking at sarees of other women. i see hardly anyone looking at the goddess herself. in one pandal i see a crowd dancing to a bad singer's bollywood tunes. in another section of that same pandal i see 3 to 5 people praying to the idols.
day-3(navami):again i go out at night and make it a point not to wear anything that shines. i stand amidst a sea of people and of strange perfumes all merged and so i pray for fresh air. i see women,girls and children alike all dressed in gleaming clothes and all looking like potential energy sources.
day-4(dashami): i go in the morning to take a last look at the goddess. i see her children half drunk and progressing in the name of the grief they feel to see her go. that people...is puja.
as i child i loved this festival.3 days of fun. i used to wait all year in anticipation. but i remember above all, i used to keep looking at Her idol's face and feeling a strange sadness. it had nothing to do with the pujas ending but i always felt a sense of pain whenever i looked at her. still do.
there is something about Her hair and the way it falls on Her arms that always used to remind me of my own mother. strange,but true.
on the last day this year, i spent 20 minutes or so staring at Her again while people danced around me. for the slightest second i think i saw a sign of Her existence on that clay face. i felt a strange sense of purpose and the security of knowing my path and of company too. no, i am not religious, but i just felt that. i looked around me, at her children, at myself. then i looked back up at Her and suddenly i knew the reason behind that old familiar sense of pain.
almost every dashami evening, a little portion of the sky is stained with red. my grandma told me its a sign of Her love and presence. i believed her. i thought of what people do in those 3 days and understood it to be happiness because the earth's daughter (that is what She is called sometimes) has come home. but this time when i tought of her drunken children bidding her farewell, that same red patch started meaning something very different to me.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Thanks
this is a big thankyou to all who commented on the previous post. it was the first time i was on the verge of tears while reading the comment page (for a good reason).
someone said it was "writing at its best" (blush). someone said my mom would have been proud of me:).but what was best was that it was so very comforting.like a warm quilt on a rainy night. to be comforted feels nice. but to be comforted by people who do not even know you, to feel cared for feels so...well...sigh.
moving on...last week my distant aunt in a village type place gave birth to a girl...her second girl.
my entire extended family...that is the women went "oh!too bad." my reaction was this'"uh..wha...what?" then they went on to explain how they had wanted a boy because apparantly if a boy performs rituals after his family members death,it is much better for the soul.yes...i know...crap!
they went on to say they felt so very disappointed when i and my sis-2 were born,especially me.ouch.that hurt. i have not been ignorant about gender woes. i just never expected this in my own backyard.
and all this why? would i have loved my parents better as a boy? would i be a better sibling as a boy?no. its a ridiculous thought. but there it is!
i remember watching old movies about this as a kid.i remember going to my father and apologizing for being a girl (my age:4). i remember my father laughing (he had a strange sense of humour).its pathetic. i felt disgusted at these women and its not a great feeling.
i'm not a rebel or anything.but i'm not going to let them make me feel sorry for being a girl.humanity must be sorry enough at their existence in the first place. where is that basic sense of human compassion? is having a child not about creating a living acknowledgement of your love? is a child not a part of you, regardless of its sex?
whatever.oh my sister is coming this saturday.(yay!) i remember going to school,seated in a car with both of them on each side of me thinking "i have the best!". yeah well...hehe.
p.s.:i wrote my first fan letter to one of my favourite authors and the sweet thing replied!(yahoo!)
someone said it was "writing at its best" (blush). someone said my mom would have been proud of me:).but what was best was that it was so very comforting.like a warm quilt on a rainy night. to be comforted feels nice. but to be comforted by people who do not even know you, to feel cared for feels so...well...sigh.
moving on...last week my distant aunt in a village type place gave birth to a girl...her second girl.
my entire extended family...that is the women went "oh!too bad." my reaction was this'"uh..wha...what?" then they went on to explain how they had wanted a boy because apparantly if a boy performs rituals after his family members death,it is much better for the soul.yes...i know...crap!
they went on to say they felt so very disappointed when i and my sis-2 were born,especially me.ouch.that hurt. i have not been ignorant about gender woes. i just never expected this in my own backyard.
and all this why? would i have loved my parents better as a boy? would i be a better sibling as a boy?no. its a ridiculous thought. but there it is!
i remember watching old movies about this as a kid.i remember going to my father and apologizing for being a girl (my age:4). i remember my father laughing (he had a strange sense of humour).its pathetic. i felt disgusted at these women and its not a great feeling.
i'm not a rebel or anything.but i'm not going to let them make me feel sorry for being a girl.humanity must be sorry enough at their existence in the first place. where is that basic sense of human compassion? is having a child not about creating a living acknowledgement of your love? is a child not a part of you, regardless of its sex?
whatever.oh my sister is coming this saturday.(yay!) i remember going to school,seated in a car with both of them on each side of me thinking "i have the best!". yeah well...hehe.
p.s.:i wrote my first fan letter to one of my favourite authors and the sweet thing replied!(yahoo!)
Friday, September 7, 2007
the following post is for mom.
in a few hours time,it will be a year since you went. there are a lot of things i want to say to you. but let me give you a general update first. i got 95 in history mom. can you believe it? of course you cannot. sis-2 got a job in mumbai. that is something i still cannot believe. mom, do you remember telling me that evening about your hopes that she will one day marry that someone,and i sat on the floor roaring with laughter? well, mom, not going to happen,trust me! told you! but do not worry i will not tell anyone about it. i will save you the embarassment! your eldest is still the same stubborn pixie. i have become more messed up. your family is crazy. so there you go.
how has a year passed so soon? i cannot believe its been a year since i last heard your voice calling out my name. a year since i last gave you a glass of water. a year since i last touched you.it seems like yesterday.
yesterday i was looking at your stack of sarees,touching them,trying to find your touch.everywhere i look, there is something that screams of your existence. then how come you are not there?
this last year has been a blur. people have moved on.maybe you have too. but i am still standing there. i do not want to go on. every evening i half expect you to come from work and tell me to make you tea. every now and then i wait for you to call out my name. and every time i feel a my reality's slap on my face.
i feel guilty when i laugh sometimes. how can i just pretend like everything is all right when nothing is? people tell me you are happier now and so i should be happy for you. but i am not happy. when i look at what i have become, i am not happy.
i know for a fact that even if i spend the rest of my life apologizing, it will not be enough. i'm sorry i was not a good daughter. i am sorry i could not take better care of you. i am sorry i hurt you. i am sorry i could not make you proud. but i wish you had given me some more of your time.
i remember your pain. now i even understand it. do you remember you asked me if i could take care of myself without you. i did not answer you then. but is it too late to say "no i will not be ok"? when you said you could not stand the pain and wanted it to be over, i was stone cold. but mom i did not want to be, everyone told me that if i wanted you to get well, i would have to be that way, be "strict". all i wanted to do was to cry and tell you how much i needed you.
when i was leaving the hospital and you held my hand and told me you were scared, i died a hundred times over in that moment. you told me to pray for your release. how could i do that mom? i remember avoiding to look at you. your eyes seemed to scream "why?". and i had no answer.
mom, somewhere i hate you for going. but i know you did not want to. what do i do? i feel so angry, so empty. where do i turn to now. why do i hate realising the helplessness of the orphan that i have become? but i promise you one thing mom, i'll never let you go.
there is a song that reminds me of you. it goes like this...
why do the birds go on singing?
why do the stars glow above?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when i lost your love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder
why everything is the same as it was?
i can't understand no i cant undestand.
how life goes on the way it does?
why does my heart go on beating?
why do these eyes of mine cry?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when you said goodbye.
i know that if i am living, its for a purpose. but i dont want to without you. every smile, every dream, every achievement is and will always be incomplete without you. i will be incomplete without you.
i do not have the strength in me to write anymore. i just want to say that i love you and plead you to wait for me. you will right? you will be with me right? please?
the last time i talked to you, i promised you i would take you home. i never got the chance. but i still want to fulfill that.
come back home,please ma?
in a few hours time,it will be a year since you went. there are a lot of things i want to say to you. but let me give you a general update first. i got 95 in history mom. can you believe it? of course you cannot. sis-2 got a job in mumbai. that is something i still cannot believe. mom, do you remember telling me that evening about your hopes that she will one day marry that someone,and i sat on the floor roaring with laughter? well, mom, not going to happen,trust me! told you! but do not worry i will not tell anyone about it. i will save you the embarassment! your eldest is still the same stubborn pixie. i have become more messed up. your family is crazy. so there you go.
how has a year passed so soon? i cannot believe its been a year since i last heard your voice calling out my name. a year since i last gave you a glass of water. a year since i last touched you.it seems like yesterday.
yesterday i was looking at your stack of sarees,touching them,trying to find your touch.everywhere i look, there is something that screams of your existence. then how come you are not there?
this last year has been a blur. people have moved on.maybe you have too. but i am still standing there. i do not want to go on. every evening i half expect you to come from work and tell me to make you tea. every now and then i wait for you to call out my name. and every time i feel a my reality's slap on my face.
i feel guilty when i laugh sometimes. how can i just pretend like everything is all right when nothing is? people tell me you are happier now and so i should be happy for you. but i am not happy. when i look at what i have become, i am not happy.
i know for a fact that even if i spend the rest of my life apologizing, it will not be enough. i'm sorry i was not a good daughter. i am sorry i could not take better care of you. i am sorry i hurt you. i am sorry i could not make you proud. but i wish you had given me some more of your time.
i remember your pain. now i even understand it. do you remember you asked me if i could take care of myself without you. i did not answer you then. but is it too late to say "no i will not be ok"? when you said you could not stand the pain and wanted it to be over, i was stone cold. but mom i did not want to be, everyone told me that if i wanted you to get well, i would have to be that way, be "strict". all i wanted to do was to cry and tell you how much i needed you.
when i was leaving the hospital and you held my hand and told me you were scared, i died a hundred times over in that moment. you told me to pray for your release. how could i do that mom? i remember avoiding to look at you. your eyes seemed to scream "why?". and i had no answer.
mom, somewhere i hate you for going. but i know you did not want to. what do i do? i feel so angry, so empty. where do i turn to now. why do i hate realising the helplessness of the orphan that i have become? but i promise you one thing mom, i'll never let you go.
there is a song that reminds me of you. it goes like this...
why do the birds go on singing?
why do the stars glow above?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when i lost your love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder
why everything is the same as it was?
i can't understand no i cant undestand.
how life goes on the way it does?
why does my heart go on beating?
why do these eyes of mine cry?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when you said goodbye.
i know that if i am living, its for a purpose. but i dont want to without you. every smile, every dream, every achievement is and will always be incomplete without you. i will be incomplete without you.
i do not have the strength in me to write anymore. i just want to say that i love you and plead you to wait for me. you will right? you will be with me right? please?
the last time i talked to you, i promised you i would take you home. i never got the chance. but i still want to fulfill that.
come back home,please ma?
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Horror Times...
hello, after a long,long time. do not thank your luck, thank my exams for that.
how i would like to say that alot has happened over the past weeks. alas! nothing has. and whatever has happened has been so utterly mundane that i cannont recall anything.
well,my exams are over so now i can sleep like never before. i have returned to my potter, my love. yet, and yet, i am a tortured soul...sob,sob!
now, when my exams ended, i was HAPPY! the world of tv,books,hogging and getting wet in the rain was all mine. or so i thought!
i have this aunt of mine who does not live with me (so to say). but she is there everyday. i do not mind, i quite like her (sometimes). its like i live in a joint family. we have joint lunches, breakfasts,everyday. again,i do not mind. but the obssesive control of the remote gets on me. there i am watching Ally Mcbeal or The Simpsons,happy so happy. then,suddenly, i am thrown into a loud world of 3 sisters (ugly sisters), all making plans (loudly) to marry each others husbands or whatever. and then it continues untill 11:30 when i indulge in Friends. my brain dies endless times during those hours.
as though that is not enough, from 3 to 5 in the evening, i am transported into yet another loud world of bangla cinema, from 5 to 6 my poor tv i switch off so that it can gather the strength to entertain my twisted family later. it screams "the horror!"
but now i have started becoming used to it. my ears have started blocking themselves against the noise of kitchens collapsing evertime a close-up of one of those ugly faces is taken. thank god for the immune system.
i have started taking evening walks now. the blasted rain has stopped so there goes the master plan. but i have witnessed many a beautiful sunset since then. i guess one good thing has come of this...i have started liking shillong better. ghastly!what a few movies and serials can change in you.
i am going for a 3 day break to my cousins to guwahati. yes, boiling, mosquito-ridden guwahati. deperate times these are. fortunately, my cousin is a treat to be with. i am hoping she will make all the mosquito bites worth it. hoping against hope!!!
how i would like to say that alot has happened over the past weeks. alas! nothing has. and whatever has happened has been so utterly mundane that i cannont recall anything.
well,my exams are over so now i can sleep like never before. i have returned to my potter, my love. yet, and yet, i am a tortured soul...sob,sob!
now, when my exams ended, i was HAPPY! the world of tv,books,hogging and getting wet in the rain was all mine. or so i thought!
i have this aunt of mine who does not live with me (so to say). but she is there everyday. i do not mind, i quite like her (sometimes). its like i live in a joint family. we have joint lunches, breakfasts,everyday. again,i do not mind. but the obssesive control of the remote gets on me. there i am watching Ally Mcbeal or The Simpsons,happy so happy. then,suddenly, i am thrown into a loud world of 3 sisters (ugly sisters), all making plans (loudly) to marry each others husbands or whatever. and then it continues untill 11:30 when i indulge in Friends. my brain dies endless times during those hours.
as though that is not enough, from 3 to 5 in the evening, i am transported into yet another loud world of bangla cinema, from 5 to 6 my poor tv i switch off so that it can gather the strength to entertain my twisted family later. it screams "the horror!"
but now i have started becoming used to it. my ears have started blocking themselves against the noise of kitchens collapsing evertime a close-up of one of those ugly faces is taken. thank god for the immune system.
i have started taking evening walks now. the blasted rain has stopped so there goes the master plan. but i have witnessed many a beautiful sunset since then. i guess one good thing has come of this...i have started liking shillong better. ghastly!what a few movies and serials can change in you.
i am going for a 3 day break to my cousins to guwahati. yes, boiling, mosquito-ridden guwahati. deperate times these are. fortunately, my cousin is a treat to be with. i am hoping she will make all the mosquito bites worth it. hoping against hope!!!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Me says "wha???..."
its been long..too long since the last post. its just that my life is either very uneventful or is filled with such ghastly, bizzare events...they are unfit for words.
anyway, life is very sad because exams are lodging in my life right now.i'm what you would call "hyper " when it comes to exams. no,no... i'm not studious. just plain hyper. first paper was english. i like the subject a lot, but i'm afraid that will not show on my paper. just gave the dreaded history exam. for the past 2 days, i've slept for 4 hours each day. but did it pay off? yeah right!
i was never academically inclined. but for sometime last year, i had really tried. i got good marks and i was very satisfied. there were the ever disstisfeid elements going "you will have to do much better next time", but i did not really bother. for the first time ever, i felt a drive, a sense of purpose. i was doing it for myself and so, whatever i got,i was happy because i knew somewhere that i deserved it.
however, that notion is pleasing only when what you do get is bright. this time around, something is amiss. yes i do work,but i know its not enough. and yet i cannot convince myself to do any better.
i am scared of what this will do to me. my family and those bloody blood relations might say i do not study. that i can say is not very true. i do work because i have certain very important places i have to go in life. but i'm lacking that drive, that sense of purpose. people will say that i have a purpose,that being a good college. but its about more than that.
i'm not making excuses here (this is meant for the sisters). this thing goes beyond the books. it is about my life as a whole. sometimes i cannot understand the reasons (or rather the lack of them) for the things i do. i have ten different people coming and telling me what to do, how to do it,etc.. they say, "i want you to do well in life.so, you should blah...blah...blah..." i hear and my response? nodding and saying" thank you". and a full stop.
i have lived pretty much alone for the last one and a half, two years, with four, five relations about,whose presence has mattered but has had no impact. the result is that i have started demanding a huge amount of "my" space. i cannot tolerate questions even when the one who asks has a full right to. i'm scared because i do not know what will happen if and when i go and live with my sisters. my temper has become fragile and i fear what it will do to the bonds i consider so precious.
okay,i guess i have pretty much bored you enough. so i will stop now and try to salvage what marks i can for the rest of my exams.oh and one more thing...pleassseeee pray for me!
anyway, life is very sad because exams are lodging in my life right now.i'm what you would call "hyper " when it comes to exams. no,no... i'm not studious. just plain hyper. first paper was english. i like the subject a lot, but i'm afraid that will not show on my paper. just gave the dreaded history exam. for the past 2 days, i've slept for 4 hours each day. but did it pay off? yeah right!
i was never academically inclined. but for sometime last year, i had really tried. i got good marks and i was very satisfied. there were the ever disstisfeid elements going "you will have to do much better next time", but i did not really bother. for the first time ever, i felt a drive, a sense of purpose. i was doing it for myself and so, whatever i got,i was happy because i knew somewhere that i deserved it.
however, that notion is pleasing only when what you do get is bright. this time around, something is amiss. yes i do work,but i know its not enough. and yet i cannot convince myself to do any better.
i am scared of what this will do to me. my family and those bloody blood relations might say i do not study. that i can say is not very true. i do work because i have certain very important places i have to go in life. but i'm lacking that drive, that sense of purpose. people will say that i have a purpose,that being a good college. but its about more than that.
i'm not making excuses here (this is meant for the sisters). this thing goes beyond the books. it is about my life as a whole. sometimes i cannot understand the reasons (or rather the lack of them) for the things i do. i have ten different people coming and telling me what to do, how to do it,etc.. they say, "i want you to do well in life.so, you should blah...blah...blah..." i hear and my response? nodding and saying" thank you". and a full stop.
i have lived pretty much alone for the last one and a half, two years, with four, five relations about,whose presence has mattered but has had no impact. the result is that i have started demanding a huge amount of "my" space. i cannot tolerate questions even when the one who asks has a full right to. i'm scared because i do not know what will happen if and when i go and live with my sisters. my temper has become fragile and i fear what it will do to the bonds i consider so precious.
okay,i guess i have pretty much bored you enough. so i will stop now and try to salvage what marks i can for the rest of my exams.oh and one more thing...pleassseeee pray for me!
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