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So i changed the layout of my blog. Yay!!!! well...not so much.

Shifted to delhi one day ago and I am not excited to say the least. So I have recently earned a new name "The Cribber." I am very sad about leaving home and so my next few posts will most probably be about shillong and home. I hope no one minds. But if anyone does.......eh! well bother.

My last few days in shillong were spent packing and so i did not get to do any of the things i really wanted to. For instance, i did not get to say a lot of things to people who by now must have gone off to heaven knows where. So that is what I will do now though again i know more than half of them will never read it. But if the number of people who read my blog was a condition, I should have stopped long ago.

Dear Ps, too much of straightening with an iron will one day ruin your not so great hair. As it is, sometimes it looks like the end of a formidale broomstick to me.

Sb, though i pretty much do like you, it is my duty as a friend to tell you that over the years you have become filmy and are not showing any signs of stopping. But please do. Oh and plastic earrings whoch match your clothes are not "Oh My God! Wow!"

Fg, I know you are brilliant, but you can also be a crashing bore! stop being mean when its not really needed and stop grinning when you are trying to look cute. You don't!

Oh El, i know you do not want to be, but you are one of the sweetest people in the world.

Lj, i don't like you! i never said i did and i do not know why you seem to think that i do but i don't! you annoy me! other than that I am sure you are great! Its just I don't want to know.

Ms. K, heaven knows why you had so much faith in me. It is pointless. But thank you for it. It was nice to think someone did and still does...I hope.

Sir S, I think you are great. Its just that i feel the same way about your subject as i do about gas.......not good.

Ms. An, I love you...I do!

Dear Ja, you are talented and have a lot to offer. So stop calling yourself stupid.

Mo, I pray everyday that you come here. I have told Santa too.

Dad, you have spoilt me. But i love you for it. And for everything about you. You are one of the most missed ones. The next time i see you, I am going to squeeze your cheeks so hard!

Oh and Un...get some therapy. And by that i do not mean a bodywash.

Well, that much for now. And my dear "silent" readers, cut the silence. It wont kill you to comment. If it did not kill you to read, commenting will not either. Trust me.

Hollow,Hollow...You.

this post is for someone who used to be an inspiration, but now is a figure that arouses that pathetic emotion called pity...

i am writing this for you, and yet i know you may never read it. why? well maybe because reading...the real sort of reading requires some sort of emotion...like curiosity,interest,etc. and i do not know whether you are capable of feeling any feeling.

you go on everyday telling yourself that life is but one long war for you to fight in. you pretend to be this unreachable, strong rock sitting on the edge of a steep cliff...immovable.

but you know what? life is not a war, atleast not for everyone. life is what you make it. and not all of us turn it or view it as a war. strength...yes you have it no doubt. but strength can be of different kinds. dont laugh at someone who cries thinking he is weaker than you. no, he maybe stonger than you even, because he knows that his tears symbolize that he has emotions left in him and he is proud of them. not everyone takes pride in pretending that this world is too small to get to them.

i have seen you pretend...pretend smiles and pretend hugs with people you claim do not matter. and when i ask why, you say that you need to get along. oh please! get real. you are just pleasing them. and if they really did not matter, why would you?

you think love is stupid. you think friendship is a lie. you parade the fact that you do not love anyboby but those that you have to because of reasons as shallow as blood. when will you understand that people do not only love when they have to. when will you understand the value of someone's love which you have earned? its something sacred that you give to those who deserve it. it has to be earned...by strangers and blood ties alike.

ask youself, when was the last time you said something to encourage someone? when was the last time someone told you "thanks for being there". forget that, when was the last time YOU said that to anybody? maybe the number of times i have won a prize...and that is not a lot. maybe even lesser than that right?

you have built this wall around you. don't you see, no one is going to wait on the other side forever. i know because i wont.

you claim people do not show you affection. how can they? when was the last time you told anyone that you love them, or miss them, or anything at all? you feel bad about yourself saying you have been hurt. maybe by me? but i doubt that. i do not know if there is enough left in you for me to hurt.

try and think of yourself as you were some years ago and then see if you can even recognize yourself. you and your so called knowledge. do you realize that the ones for whom you are fighting your "battle" do not even have the freedom to come and say anything nice to you for fear of being called babies? you react like sodium in hot water when someone tries to even help you out. but you are only too willing to say what others have to do. you cannot save everyone. people have to make their own mistakes. dont 'try to better everyone else's situation. just try and live whatever is left of your existence...because what you have is not a life.

you have made fun of me ever since i can remember. maybe i was to take it as fondness in disguise. so i do not expect any better of you. but i hope for it. i cannot understand you. i dont want to. yes i know i am stupid and weak. but i still can laugh at old times, i still feel great when i am hugged, i still feel like loving and dreaming at the end of it all. while you are so busy pointlessly ramming your head against walls and hearts of all kinds.

i hope you can lie to yourself nicely enough at night. you need it. but despite everything i do love you. only the "i love you because i have to" equation does not apply in my case. i will till i have the strength to. you are not mine to save, but i hope someone does.

you are becoming hollow...and i feel sorry for you.

This & That...

so this is hello again.i was away for a lot of reasons...not that you are wondering i know.oh how i would love to tell you how my exams went...not!all i remember are nightmares, fear, stomach rumbles and pain...oh the pain!its amazing i survived.actually, its amazing i got to the 12th standard in the first place.

now,here i am with a scary tomorrow before me, blogging and munching a delicious mutton roll. sigh...well not that much.there is so much to write that i dont want to write. so i want this post to be about a list of my likes and dislikes which people i've lived with my entire life or less do not know and will probably never ask...but i will write anyway...

1.i love the colour red (not on me, no) and i love spicy food more than gold.

2.carnations are my favorite flowers and cauliflowers my least favorite.

3.i can spend days only watching friends,ally mcbeal,the wonder years...i cry sometimes after watching the last two.

4."the fresh prince of bel-air" is my greatest source of strength and inspiration.

5.i feel most sleepy when i go shopping...especially with my sisters.

6.i am addicted to chocolate and have been bribed many times with it. i have accepted too.

7.i nurse a special reverence for garfield and roark (variety).

8.i cry at the drop of a hat. i have improved lately. now its at the drop of bigger hats.

9.i feel physical pain when someone i love is mean. yeah i know i sound like cinderellla! oh and i hate that story by the way.

10.i first fell in love at the age of 7...with mr.anderson's tales. oh and speaking of love, i once had a hulk sized crush on someone who smiled at me one day and it took me a whole minute to return it because a hundred cats were sitting on my tongue, as well as my head.

11.i am afraid i am a romantic at heart.sad.

12.i feel too much at times. at other times i am blank.

13.sometimes i see myself years later, playing with a child...mine. yes, i have thought about that as well.dont you judge me.

14.my idea of a dream wedding (yes, this as well) is one on a hill side at sunset with only me and the fool who i will marry, with the one who will marry us of course.

15.because of the above and many others, chances are i will die single!

16.sometimes i dream about living alone with a good enough job. i am not very ambitious you see, there is simply no point.

17.i have a thousand questions on my mind and a million dreams and i am waiting for someone who will listen. i am afraid its going to be a long wait.

18.i hope of coming back here one day and live in a woodden house with a small garden.

19.i dont appreciate people calling me to tell me why i should listen to rock.

20.sometimes i cry simply because i want to.

21.i bought a card 5 years ago because i thought it was pretty and have found someone to give it to only now.

22.i would not share this roll with anyone even if i were in love with him.

22.i will hate any sarcastic comments on my list thankyou-very-much!

ok, so now you are bored and i am tired. so, go read a better blog and i will eat.until next time...

of snow-men and mittens etc...

hello there. hope you had a nice christmas. actually i had a great one so i can be smug for once! i spent the entire day with some of my best friends, but the food was obviously the best part. behold my list....pulao, mutton(all spicy and smoked and all), fried chicken, chicken curry, mashed potatoes, roast chicken, roast potatoes, chocolate soufle,blackforest cake and of course some surprisingly yummy coffee!hehheh!

shillong is a beautiful place usually. but its just wonderful in winters. incidentally, winter is my favourite time of the year. ah! the pleasure of curling up under a warm quilt at night is simply that...ah!

christmas is my most preferred festival. not that i am religious or anything (i have no energy for that). but i have always liked the idea of families gathering around christmas trees and playing in the snow,etc. but mostly i like christmas because its quiet and a time spent with family and friends minus all the bling and the noise. there is all of that, but is tolerable nonetheless.

i love taking winter-evening walks. everyone walks around with their hands in their jacket pockets with monkey-caps and sweaters. its all so cute! yes yes i know i sound like santa's wannabe helper. well its not a bad prospect considering my impending unemployment!

at dusk, if you take a walk around a neighbourhood here, you will see christmas tress shining in almost all drawing rooms and hear carols every now and then. well, the actual experience is much better than i make it sound. and shillong is heaven during winters. you wake up to a warm bright winter day, have a wonderfully chilly evening with a wonderful cup of coffee and spend your nights staring out of your window at the glittering lights on distant hills.sigh.

i guess i love the build-up to chirstmas more than the actual day. but build-ups are always more fun than the d-days. except during exams and weddings(your own). then its just an increasing scale of horror.

stomach blues.

first off, a note to all my "silent" readers. i do not need the silence. what is the point? you do not have to be the creatures of the night. just say something huh!

i watched a movie with my friends. god bless my embarrased soul. my ahem friends were bawling like babies. it should have been ok since it happens all the time. no matter what the movie, crying is a must. to top it all, one of them forgot she was not at home and started commenting loudly, things like "oh! he's got a cute butt!". i was muttering "shut up, shut up." then she said (loudly) "but its cute yaar!"

i am pretty excited about christmas this year. i have places to go to (for the first time). my new year is going to snooze...as usual. oh! sad life.

some people are having a ball about the fact that i am crushing on a celebrity and do not leave any stone unturned to insult him. they have conveniently forgotten their days of rahul dravid and nick carter. disgusting.

last night i had a horrible stomach ache. it was so bad, i was squirming and moaning in pain. and i suddenly felt so alone. i remembered how mom used to scold me, then give me medicines and i used to fall asleep holding her. last night i had no one to hold. i understood then what people mean when the say "mother's touch".

i was crying from a mixture of pain and emotions. my friend then messaged me (illegally) from her sister's phone telling me a list of do(s). cute na?

my sister called me then. after thirty minutes of nice conservation, i felt so much better. i miss my sisters a lot sometimes. i cannot belive i see them once or twice a year now when i used to see their annoying faces 24*7. i see a lot of my parents in them. now more than ever. i cannot figure how close we are. i just hope pretty much though. i guess this is how it will be:3 people,3 lives,all different.

last night i imagined holding mom and falling asleep next to her. i did. i fell asleep next to her after a long time. thank god for the stomach ache. it brought me back home.

p.s.: hey gobber and goomer (sisters) i love you both.

ARBID ONLY ARBID...

back finally.and had a horrible time away.should.have turned into a blogging traitor.just to keep you updated,i have been ill with a throat infection for some two weeks now.yes i went to a doc.was useless...yay!and for the first time,i was declared"not well enough" for my prelims...so yay yay yay!

ok so i am irritated once again.gee!its a talent i tell you!i know its normal to feel lost sometimes,like i do right now. but normal is meaningless. i have started to lose faith in a lot of things lately. cant say for sure i ever had faith in a lot of people actually. you know those times when you feel like a fool? yes i know...that is normal too. its just that i have been feeling like that a lot lately.

life is full of pain...or so people say. then why can one not just get used to it. why do the same things hurt again and again with the same magnitude if not more. and what is one supposed to do again and again?

i see,feel things slipping from me.everything that i have known,understood...slipping away. how do you get back your self respect? i was never a big fan of me, and i like myself lesser and lesser every time. no these are not teenege pangs (dear sis). this is the after effect of letting people walk over you.

i miss my father a lot. he took pride in what he was. i know now how hard that is a thing to do. i just regret the fact that he was not there long enough to teach me that. i do not think he is too proud of me right now. i am not complaining, i have never given him reason to actually. but i know he loves me all the same. its a rare thing...unconditional love. but there is a quote from the Wonder Years that makes me happy about him. it goes....

"some things are deeper than time and distance.And your father will always be your father...And he will always leave a light on for you."

Warm and Fuzzy...me?

"love...we all want it,not all get it," said john cage of ally mcbeal. its a strange state of mind.i hate all that "you are in love when you cant sleep or eat" nonsense. that is just ill-health.this whole idea of love being out of this world is very strange.i suppose it is subjective. i have always thought of it to be a very earthy,human emotion. perfectly natural and selfish. you love someone inspite of pain. you complain of no reciprocation etc.... but you still do love. why? becacuse you want to. it always makes you feel better...less lonely somehow. so its selfish. for me atleast. to say "I love you" and claim selflessness is stupid.

there are some who beg for it, go looking for it desperately and end up in gutters. there are others who shut their doors on it. and there are some who write about it:)

"i love you to an extent where even your consent or indifference does not matter,"...Ayn Rand. my take on it. if i were to love someone and he were to say "sorry", would it change the fact that i do? no. besides, to say "I love you" is a statement, not a question. for me, love is a sacred concept. correction:MY love, as in my emotions are sacred. even more so than the person.

one-sided love hurts. but this is an emotion that teaches more than anything else. love cannot be thrown out. it has to be worn out. so why not just live it. live its moments of insanity, warmth,pain and all else to the fullest. because at the end of that road, you will be a much better person.besides, one-sided things wear off one day or another.

but people have conditions on it. they ignore it. hate it if it hurts. take it for granted if it is returned. strange...how can people ridicule their own feelings? then they listen to sad songs and feel like they have been chosen to be doomed.they claim their love was never understood.love is not meant to be understood. it is meant to be lived till it breathes.

very few people are capable of loving. of giving a part of their soul to someone else. those are lucky people. so why are only couples considered lucky? why are only permanent endings considered happy? they are not.love someone, not so you can have a coffee partner anytime you want. love someone...for the sheer pleasure and pain of it.

today someone i hold close to my heart has been touched by it. i was so happy, i was half smiling, half crying all the way here. and today another someone's hopes to an eventual deserved happy ending have died. so now i am basically confused as to what facial expression to wear!

i am strange...pretty cold and rude. but sometimes my eyes well up when i watch ally mcbeal.i almost always cry after every wonder years episode.if anyone were to love me (yeah sure!) he would need a thorough check-up.my story is pretty blurry,will always be.its fate i tell you! as for permanence..."loves dont always work out. but who made up the rule that the best ones do?" ally again.