Thanks

this is a big thankyou to all who commented on the previous post. it was the first time i was on the verge of tears while reading the comment page (for a good reason).
someone said it was "writing at its best" (blush). someone said my mom would have been proud of me:).but what was best was that it was so very comforting.like a warm quilt on a rainy night. to be comforted feels nice. but to be comforted by people who do not even know you, to feel cared for feels so...well...sigh.
moving on...last week my distant aunt in a village type place gave birth to a girl...her second girl.
my entire extended family...that is the women went "oh!too bad." my reaction was this'"uh..wha...what?" then they went on to explain how they had wanted a boy because apparantly if a boy performs rituals after his family members death,it is much better for the soul.yes...i know...crap!
they went on to say they felt so very disappointed when i and my sis-2 were born,especially me.ouch.that hurt. i have not been ignorant about gender woes. i just never expected this in my own backyard.
and all this why? would i have loved my parents better as a boy? would i be a better sibling as a boy?no. its a ridiculous thought. but there it is!
i remember watching old movies about this as a kid.i remember going to my father and apologizing for being a girl (my age:4). i remember my father laughing (he had a strange sense of humour).its pathetic. i felt disgusted at these women and its not a great feeling.
i'm not a rebel or anything.but i'm not going to let them make me feel sorry for being a girl.humanity must be sorry enough at their existence in the first place. where is that basic sense of human compassion? is having a child not about creating a living acknowledgement of your love? is a child not a part of you, regardless of its sex?
whatever.oh my sister is coming this saturday.(yay!) i remember going to school,seated in a car with both of them on each side of me thinking "i have the best!". yeah well...hehe.
p.s.:i wrote my first fan letter to one of my favourite authors and the sweet thing replied!(yahoo!)

Thanks

the following post is for mom.
in a few hours time,it will be a year since you went. there are a lot of things i want to say to you. but let me give you a general update first. i got 95 in history mom. can you believe it? of course you cannot. sis-2 got a job in mumbai. that is something i still cannot believe. mom, do you remember telling me that evening about your hopes that she will one day marry that someone,and i sat on the floor roaring with laughter? well, mom, not going to happen,trust me! told you! but do not worry i will not tell anyone about it. i will save you the embarassment! your eldest is still the same stubborn pixie. i have become more messed up. your family is crazy. so there you go.
how has a year passed so soon? i cannot believe its been a year since i last heard your voice calling out my name. a year since i last gave you a glass of water. a year since i last touched you.it seems like yesterday.
yesterday i was looking at your stack of sarees,touching them,trying to find your touch.everywhere i look, there is something that screams of your existence. then how come you are not there?
this last year has been a blur. people have moved on.maybe you have too. but i am still standing there. i do not want to go on. every evening i half expect you to come from work and tell me to make you tea. every now and then i wait for you to call out my name. and every time i feel a my reality's slap on my face.
i feel guilty when i laugh sometimes. how can i just pretend like everything is all right when nothing is? people tell me you are happier now and so i should be happy for you. but i am not happy. when i look at what i have become, i am not happy.
i know for a fact that even if i spend the rest of my life apologizing, it will not be enough. i'm sorry i was not a good daughter. i am sorry i could not take better care of you. i am sorry i hurt you. i am sorry i could not make you proud. but i wish you had given me some more of your time.
i remember your pain. now i even understand it. do you remember you asked me if i could take care of myself without you. i did not answer you then. but is it too late to say "no i will not be ok"? when you said you could not stand the pain and wanted it to be over, i was stone cold. but mom i did not want to be, everyone told me that if i wanted you to get well, i would have to be that way, be "strict". all i wanted to do was to cry and tell you how much i needed you.
when i was leaving the hospital and you held my hand and told me you were scared, i died a hundred times over in that moment. you told me to pray for your release. how could i do that mom? i remember avoiding to look at you. your eyes seemed to scream "why?". and i had no answer.
mom, somewhere i hate you for going. but i know you did not want to. what do i do? i feel so angry, so empty. where do i turn to now. why do i hate realising the helplessness of the orphan that i have become? but i promise you one thing mom, i'll never let you go.
there is a song that reminds me of you. it goes like this...
why do the birds go on singing?
why do the stars glow above?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when i lost your love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder
why everything is the same as it was?
i can't understand no i cant undestand.
how life goes on the way it does?
why does my heart go on beating?
why do these eyes of mine cry?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when you said goodbye.
i know that if i am living, its for a purpose. but i dont want to without you. every smile, every dream, every achievement is and will always be incomplete without you. i will be incomplete without you.
i do not have the strength in me to write anymore. i just want to say that i love you and plead you to wait for me. you will right? you will be with me right? please?
the last time i talked to you, i promised you i would take you home. i never got the chance. but i still want to fulfill that.
come back home,please ma?

The Horror Times...

hello, after a long,long time. do not thank your luck, thank my exams for that.
how i would like to say that alot has happened over the past weeks. alas! nothing has. and whatever has happened has been so utterly mundane that i cannont recall anything.
well,my exams are over so now i can sleep like never before. i have returned to my potter, my love. yet, and yet, i am a tortured soul...sob,sob!
now, when my exams ended, i was HAPPY! the world of tv,books,hogging and getting wet in the rain was all mine. or so i thought!
i have this aunt of mine who does not live with me (so to say). but she is there everyday. i do not mind, i quite like her (sometimes). its like i live in a joint family. we have joint lunches, breakfasts,everyday. again,i do not mind. but the obssesive control of the remote gets on me. there i am watching Ally Mcbeal or The Simpsons,happy so happy. then,suddenly, i am thrown into a loud world of 3 sisters (ugly sisters), all making plans (loudly) to marry each others husbands or whatever. and then it continues untill 11:30 when i indulge in Friends. my brain dies endless times during those hours.
as though that is not enough, from 3 to 5 in the evening, i am transported into yet another loud world of bangla cinema, from 5 to 6 my poor tv i switch off so that it can gather the strength to entertain my twisted family later. it screams "the horror!"
but now i have started becoming used to it. my ears have started blocking themselves against the noise of kitchens collapsing evertime a close-up of one of those ugly faces is taken. thank god for the immune system.
i have started taking evening walks now. the blasted rain has stopped so there goes the master plan. but i have witnessed many a beautiful sunset since then. i guess one good thing has come of this...i have started liking shillong better. ghastly!what a few movies and serials can change in you.
i am going for a 3 day break to my cousins to guwahati. yes, boiling, mosquito-ridden guwahati. deperate times these are. fortunately, my cousin is a treat to be with. i am hoping she will make all the mosquito bites worth it. hoping against hope!!!

Me says "wha???..."

its been long..too long since the last post. its just that my life is either very uneventful or is filled with such ghastly, bizzare events...they are unfit for words.
anyway, life is very sad because exams are lodging in my life right now.i'm what you would call "hyper " when it comes to exams. no,no... i'm not studious. just plain hyper. first paper was english. i like the subject a lot, but i'm afraid that will not show on my paper. just gave the dreaded history exam. for the past 2 days, i've slept for 4 hours each day. but did it pay off? yeah right!
i was never academically inclined. but for sometime last year, i had really tried. i got good marks and i was very satisfied. there were the ever disstisfeid elements going "you will have to do much better next time", but i did not really bother. for the first time ever, i felt a drive, a sense of purpose. i was doing it for myself and so, whatever i got,i was happy because i knew somewhere that i deserved it.
however, that notion is pleasing only when what you do get is bright. this time around, something is amiss. yes i do work,but i know its not enough. and yet i cannot convince myself to do any better.
i am scared of what this will do to me. my family and those bloody blood relations might say i do not study. that i can say is not very true. i do work because i have certain very important places i have to go in life. but i'm lacking that drive, that sense of purpose. people will say that i have a purpose,that being a good college. but its about more than that.
i'm not making excuses here (this is meant for the sisters). this thing goes beyond the books. it is about my life as a whole. sometimes i cannot understand the reasons (or rather the lack of them) for the things i do. i have ten different people coming and telling me what to do, how to do it,etc.. they say, "i want you to do well in life.so, you should blah...blah...blah..." i hear and my response? nodding and saying" thank you". and a full stop.
i have lived pretty much alone for the last one and a half, two years, with four, five relations about,whose presence has mattered but has had no impact. the result is that i have started demanding a huge amount of "my" space. i cannot tolerate questions even when the one who asks has a full right to. i'm scared because i do not know what will happen if and when i go and live with my sisters. my temper has become fragile and i fear what it will do to the bonds i consider so precious.
okay,i guess i have pretty much bored you enough. so i will stop now and try to salvage what marks i can for the rest of my exams.oh and one more thing...pleassseeee pray for me!

Here It Ends.

my sweet reader,the following post is for a friend, sort of a letter actually. and its kind of strange. read on,but you have been warned...
hi. how have you been? i'm writing this to tell you all that i can and the strangest thing is that i'll never know whether you will ever read this or not. anyway...
let me begin by thanking you for all that you have done for me and more than that. you have been great. you have made me so much stronger. thankyou for the faith, the love, the trust...thankyou for being "you."
we have had quite a journey together. we have seen the ups and the lows. i'll never forget how patient you have been with me. all those times i'd dump all my frustration on you and you would listen. all those times i have cried on your shoulder and you let me, so patiently. we have never failed to be there for each other. its been beautiful, thanks.
i remember someone telling me that i try too hard to be understood. i do not know about the "too hard" part, but i guess most of us try to be understood. but with you, i never, NEVER had to try. you accepted me, in every sense of the word. somewhere you became another best friend. i thought that this was truly "friends forever."
and look at what has happened. i cannot bring myself to believe it. i cannot believe that now i'm actually going on without you, that you are a part of my past now. i cannot believe how badly we have hurt each other. sorry. i truly am sorry.
call it coincidence or plain dumb luck, but guess what song is playing in the cyber?
if only you could see the tears
in the world you left behind
if only you could hear my heart
just one more time
even when i close my eyes
there's an image of your face
and once again i come to realize
you are a loss i can't replace...soledad...
you hurt me, yes you did. i wish i could say "lets just forget it and move on." but i'm not in a position to do that. so what if we are not friends any longer, we have those memories that we made. they will last, trust me. but for all the trust and the love, some hurts just simply run too deep.
maybe one day, say 10 years from now, we should meet? i just hope that day i have it in me to look you in the eye and say "so?what have you been upto this past decade?" but right now, its just too much. i do not think we can forgive and forget so easily.
anyway, i just hope you can find all the happiness you are looking for. i also hope that you never have a friend like me again. you are better off without people like us. we do not make for good friends anyway. just know, you are missed. also know, i am sorry. and i know you are too.but guess that will not do, will it?
now i have to stop writing before people start staring at the freak who looks like she has been crying in a cyber. all the best. stay well and take good care of yourself, ok?
p.s.: somehow i am not able to post a comment on the last post. so this is a reply to another brick on the wall: stop feeding nonsensical ideas into paranoid raghu's head. relax! i'm not in love. that is one blessed emotion i am not capable of.

JUMBLED...

its been quite sometime since the last post, but i did not really have a lot to write about. even now there isnt much to say. no,correction:there is too much to say and no apparent outlet. so many incidents, so many thoughts, so many emotions...all have merged to form this huge body of "I DON'T KNOW."anyway,there are a few things i would like to say...(duh)...
last week was one of my bestest friend's 18th birthday. we have been friends for 5 years and something months now. i can safely say that she is one of the wierdest people i know. she is not of this world and is utterly disinterested in anything related to it. i remember once in the 7th standard, during one particularly sleepy geography class, this friend of mine was sitting on her chair perfectly still (read:sitting still) and BAM!she fell off her chair, only to realise it after the rest of us. in the 9th standard, she stood up to ask the teacher to let her search for her lost glasses. she sat down and CRUNCH! well,she found them all right!!!
she is one of thee most important people in my life. she is the one who brought harry potter into my life. i just want her to know that i love her extremely much and always will. also thank her for making school so much fun and making my life so much more complete. us (me,her and one more) have been through a lot together and we are just getting stronger by the day. we bring just that little dash of wonderful insanity to each other's lives:)
ok. that was emotional (i hope). there is something that has been disturbing me and i need anyone who is reading this to help me figure this out. some friends of mine claim they are "confused." they do not dare to take chances because they are scared of the consequences. they do not want to ruin what they have by taking chances. they are "insecure,confused people by nature." whats,ifs,buts,what ifs,etc. etc...
yes, i understand we all have our fears. but does it make sense to let those fears get the better of us than our wants? why is everything that is temporary automatically forbidden territory? yes, things do not always work out, but why not try it and know atleast. what is the pleasure in saying "what if" forever? is it so wrong to be selfish sometimes? why remain confused when you can know? why can we not live even temporary things and make the best of it? sometimes, by being too cautious, we kill a little of our dreams, our needs, and a little of ourselves.
please people, tell me!!!
p.s.:Ja, Mo,...i love you both.
p.p.s.:another question for my patient reader: you know love? as in the man-woman kind of (crappy) love? i do not mean the "i love you because its couples only night at the pub tonight." i mean love as in the real,honest, genuine kind? if you do, then tell me,is it possible to feel this kind of love for more than one person (2,3....) at the same time?