Mmmm...Is a title compulsory?

I struggle to string words in verse,

So they would want to read.

Then do I really believe in expression?

Or make my pen puppet to please?

...thought ripple after of an hour-long class of Sidney's poetry.

R.I.P.

What a city this is...sweat, prickly heat, con-men(auto drivers), dust, disease(malairia, dengue...and the latest swine-flu phenomenon)...full of possibilities. These things get to me so quickly even after a year. Even a few nights ago i was reduced to tears, begging for electricity and some rain. God gave in, thankfully. Sometimes, I cannot bring myself to believe I am actually here and my life as little as 2 to 3 years ago seems so distant,like someone else's. Yes I am a cry-baby and these things hurt:- This dislocation and suffocation, the knowledge that maybe all this is really worth nothing, the haze that forms in front when I try to think of what lies after, the constant longing and fear of never going home for good one day (please do not give me advice or a "you will adjust". Its irritating and I know that speech by heart (hear it maybe is...?)).

Yet somethings hurt more. Or do they? Tell me, how would you feel if you knew you were failing as a human being? How would you feel hurting those who love you, in full knowledge? How would you sleep, if at all you would, knowing that you are doing things beyond the very scope of forgiveness itself? Then do you justify it all by telling yourself, and all that you never had a choice? And yet people do these things. But one of the worst places to be in is to watch your own friend or loved one go down such a road.

Dear F, I have tried and tried very hard to help you. But today I doubt you want it. You have single-handedly made a mangled wreak of a very precious life. You have hurt and hurt very badly a bunch of people (me included) who have wished you luck and love. You tell me about your remorse and I wish to believe you. Imagine that! I WISH!

Before you get all defensive, let me remind you that you have not really left people with many reasons to believe you. You have spent so much time lying and concealing, you have forgotten what you look like. And you have also forgotten that some people who like me, have spent so many years with you can see through your lies too easily. Sometimes when you make your excuses, they know and they do not tell you. But they know. I should think that would shame anyone enough. Darling, you take people's intelligence (or rather the lack of it) too much for granted.

Hurting your close ones so is not an accomplishment. But you just do it over and over. For what? I really fail to see. Then you tell me about the art of appreciation? You, who failed to appreciate a loving family and doting friends? Who never could appreciate what she had been blessed with? Who could never value those who accepted you despite of your inconsistencies? You and teaching appreciation? Sad.

I have not forgotten what you used to be, though you seem to have. I have not forgotten that you were someone I wished I could be more like. That is why I tried so hard to still see good, some good in you. But today I think that maybe, just maybe you are not, never were what you showed the world. No, for once I do not think you were a victim who did not know what she was doing. Maybe you are just that selfish. Maybe it does not matter to you how many people you bring to tears or how often. Maybe? you decide.

I know this anger is temporary. I know I will feel guilty for even feeling like this and that I will want to remove this before you read it (if you ever do). But I will not. Just to remind myself of this possibility which I dismiss always too eagerly. For it is very hard to accept that one's own close friend can compromise on the Rights and Wrongs so easily.

You say you are beyond redemption. But I think you just want to be. Because no one is beyond redemption. It's just hard to clean up your own mess, isn't it? You complain of your hard path ahead. But maybe you want to wlak it just the same. Why? For self-glorification? To massage your aching insecurities? Yes, your reasons seem just that shallow. So don't you ever comfort youself saying you do not have a choice (because you do) or that your reasons are any better. Because God knows its wrong and always will be. Today you think that love, trust and faith are expendable. That is a very low place to be indeed. Look into a mirror and see what you have become.And like HP had said...try,try for some remorse. real remorse.

On a lighter note: S*2, its very sad you chose to go so far away for career concerns (how horribly grown up!). But I miss you a lot. I like it too as thinking of you reassures myself of some sanity in this world. Take a hug then, won't you?:)