Friday, December 26, 2008

PAINT ME SKY-BLUE!

Happy ....Happy and HAPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! That is me after so long. And its all because I'm back home. home as in shillong...my shillong!

It feels as if after ages I'm breathing. And I'm not breathing in smoke. fresh air...oh the feeling!And the water? pure water which does not stink of chlorine. water that actually tastes sweet. who cares about malls and multiplexes? this is pure bliss for "small-town" me.

On my way back I felt quite frightened actually. I was scared that I or the place or both had changed beyond repair. But no...It's still the same beautiful city where everyday white clouds make new fluffy shapes, where chinese food is real, where the winter evening air is full of the sounds of christmas carols,where shopkeepers and cab-drivers alike wish you a happy christmas and most importantly its where i belong.

This place is sacred to me and as it expected i cried on my way back here. But it was simply too much, I was just too happy to see that everything is still how i remembered and dreamed about all these months away.

Maybe people think I am obsessed. But how can i help it? This place is has just the right air,water ,sunlightr(=life) and its just the right "size". I thought I would kill if i heard another "oye yaar" or"hainn?batao?" And now I'm here and its just how its supposed to be. All my months away feel like a seemingly never-ending dream from which i have finally awoken. It just does not feel as if I really had been away anywhere.

even though i know i must leave again and that it will all but slice me up, I am happier now because I know that no matter how long I am away I will always come back and I will always "belong" here. I'll always come back here...where you can see the beds of the crystal streams and where the sky is the most brilliant blue...just like colour of the the sky-blue crayon children colour with. Its when I look at suchthings that i know that if god is an artist, (a messy one too with paint marks on his face, fingers and clothes alike) SHILLONG is one of his favourite canvases.

And for all those nights that i will be away, this i what i will feel for my obsession or my home...whatever YOU please...

mukhtsir si baat hai...tum se pyaar hai. tum pukaar lo,tumhara intezar hai...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

JAWS...

cybers are so expensive!so i'll get to the point...for once!
I have not watched anaconda or sharks or any such movies. I do not even watch horror movies...well except for the recent drona which had me in splits.I never had any longing to excite such emotions in me. But life is strange...it gives you what you never asked for. For now, everynight i live in fear. every creak of the door,every flutter of movement has me cowering. In this I am not alone. Me and A live in constant fear of....the cousin S.
As a child i would love listening to stories...especially verbal ones. still do. I would love listening to people indulge in nostalgia about their first homes, schools, trips, and so on. but turn those people into one annoying, seemingly foolish inspite of the all too fake air woman, relating the same stories (which are mostly about the armed forces) for the nth time with unrelenting ,undaunting zest all adds up to "heeelpuh!!!"
Try as you can...you cannot avoid it. its everywhere. sometimes you can listen to a story for the hundredth time and it still sounds nice. Its in the way its told. When this woman tells a story of something that happened as recent as today you feel like running. but you cant and you know that since this is recent you will be hearing it atleast three more times before the week ends.
why not just say "shut it?" well its part of the forced obligation of blood and also of the knowledge that your other sister will not approve (outwardly).
let me relate some instances...havin somehow partially managed to tune her out I am safer than A. so one night in the sitting room I and A are chatting. S emerges out of her lair and starts again. I pretend to listen and I cant tell if A is stupid enough to be genuine or not. fast forward...two hours later A is cribbing. She tells me I fell asleep listening (not) and left her all alone in the field. I say "Eh!well"
another day I come home after A. She tells me of her horror. She was all alone in the house with the Shark. Everytime S came out of her room A pretended to sLeep in whatever position she could manage. She kept thinking "do something...anything...hurry!"
one day we try to use assignments as an exuse. and FAIL!. the excuse that is.
one evening S calls me to her room. I take a phone and go. after fifteen minutes, A calls...from the other room. I pretend and get the hell out!
I am standing in my room and A tells me S is comin. I know its too late to do anything. A says"what do we do!what!" i say "uh uh!" and close my eyes pretending to sleep...standing!
so this is what we do now...pretend to sleep . its not that bad really. Because if she starts telling her story, that is how you are going to end up anyway.
often after going through this ordeal, A asks me "why?why her?why US?why?" but there is no answer.
to day in the Amitav Ghosh class, we discussed a portion where he talks of the fear of the unknown and how that can be the scariest. It is similar with us...we know we cant get away always. but the fear that arises everytime she emerges...the questions..."oh no!wait maybe she wants to use the bathroom,maybe she is going to the kitchen,Oh God maybe its storytime!"...the unknown....and now I have to go home.Gulp!

Monday, September 8, 2008

A Memory...

A weekday morning in my life dated anywhere between 5 to 10 years of age.its a weekday and I am home because i finally managed to get sick and bunk school,or somehow or the other, school got cancelled...

i wake up rejoicing my one morning at home. I do not know why exactly, but I love spending my morning hours home. and I know that today no teacher is going to bore me, neither are any of my pesky classmates going to irritate me. Its a morning at home...my home. My morning...and everything else that follows.

Someone makes me tea. I sip it with an indescribable relish. Then, I play or watch t.v. and try not to compromise any moment of that morning as I know I will have to tomorrow.

I watch as everyone leaves and I see Her preparing to. She is in the kitchen making lunch and other such things. She then comes to the bedroom and makes herself a paan. I watch as she piles one ingredient after another with utmost precision. i decide I will steal one after lunch today and beg for one on Sunday.

She is washing utensils now. I go away, knowing it will be a while till She can get them to shine and keep at it till She does.

She tells me to get her things in the bathroom. I sit on the bed and watch Her browse through Her sarees wondering which She will wear. I hope She takes one out with red in it. I have always associated itwith Her. I do not know why though...

I look at the one She has laid out on the bed as water splashes inside the bath. I search for a crease...none. I look at this which will become Her. I wonder whether she is also that creaseless. I wonder whether that saree would have been so, smelt so if it had been anyone else's.

She is about to come out so i prop myself up on the bed and prepare to do what i have done so many times before and still have not understood why...

She stands in front of the dresser and wears her saree with intimidating care. I watch as she makes the folds which sometimes look like they have been measured for accuratness. She lets loose Her hair. Her long black hair...that which i will always associate with womanliness,beauty and grace.

But I know She is going to tie it. I wish She wouldn't. For once I want to see Her like that. I say "why must you tie it?" She says "it's too much of a bother. it gets in the way." I wonder if letting yourself loose and free gets in the way too. And if so, then in the way of what?

She then puts cream on her face. There She is rough. I say "softly. you'll rub your face off." She makes an expression that says "Eh?"

I do not always say such things for fear of a scolding. I just do when i feel safe for it.

She applies lipstick. I had been waiting to see whether it would match her saree today...that same colour. But somehow, it always does!

Then She does what i am most eager to see. with an end of Her comb, she applies that red coloured powder on her forehead. a bit and absolutely neat. Later i would come to know it is called vermillion. But i never felt it does the colour justice.

She smells of cream and something else...something completly Her own...sorry, i mean completely Her. And i will not forget that fragrance for a very long time.

At last She applies petroleum jelly on her hands. I look at them...they speak for themselves. The right one...the cooking, cleaning one...a little buised and tired looking. the homely one. the left...the proper, elegant,slender one...soft and graceful...the one that lives outside the kitchen. and She is unaware that Her life can be told by those hands...

I wonder how She never notices me staring at Her. Then i think She does but does not understand it...its ok I decide. I don't either myself.

before leaving She gives me a list of dos for the maids. She tells me to eat on time and that she will call. As She leaves i want to say "have a nice day", "take care" or "bye" even. but I cant. and She cant either. I hate it. I always will.

But i know She will be back. In the evening..a little tired and hungry but still perfectly...mmm...Perfectly Her.

I know it will take longer this time around and that I will be the one coming back this time. But still I will find Her as She has always been...perfectly perfect and perfectly Red...as in beautiful and with a spark that is Her own and complete.

I dont know how many eighth of Septembers i will have to endure. But be sure I will think of You...that day and all days.

I know all you readers will get tired. but its just my way of horouring her memory...so zip it.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

You and Mocha...Ah!

All you readers are pathetic. Horrible. one comment? Sickening. You really know how to take all hopes out of a blogger and kill his soul! Well not exactly. But you are pretty bad.

I am 19 years old and have not one romance to speak of. O!boo!hoo! even my sister(s) have never asked me whether i have ever had the slightest bit of interest in anyone. But...ah...there can be other aspects of your younger sister's/brother's life too all you eldest and middle concieted brats!

And today i feel like writing something to him. (its a HIM...there i hope you all are a bit relieved). Before your eyebrows start skipping, let me tell you i am not talking about a boyfriend. I do not have one. Rest assured. This someone i am talking about was a so-so friend many years ago and now resides in pluto for all i know! And no, I was not in love. Not even in lau. It was a kind of awkward "heh!heh!" time during which my brain's processing level was even lower than it is toda...and That, ladies and Germs, is saying something!

Hello Baldy(no that's not his name. Its what i used to call him. short for baldemort. And he was not bald either!). How are you? Where are you? Are you alive? Yes? good! No? Eh!well...

I give a high place to the institute of friendship. So i will not insult it by saying that we were friends. We hardly talked and our time together did not even last a year. But during that time, now that i look back, i realise how stupidly happy i was, and i never knew why!

True, we did not talk much. But for whatever time we did, you let me be me and a lot more than that. As for me, my non-existent virtue of patience would emerge when it came to waiting for you to stop screaming and come to the point. Never had i enjoyed fighting with someone as much as i did with you. And i do not think i will again.

I let you know how annoying you were and how very stubborn. What i did not, however, was that you were adorable and sweet to boot. Sigh.

It was all very sweet and nice. And naive. Actually, I did not realise what i had or could have until long after the end. once a tubelight, always...anyway.

Had the ending been abrubt, it would have been better. But i guess we just let distance and time, or rather the lack of it to get the better of...whatever it was.

I wont say i miss you. Yes i do think about you sometimes (obviously!). And surprisingly, its the obstinacy i miss most.

You act as if the fact that I still exist does not register in your mind. And suddenly, out of nowhere,as subtly as you can,you let me know that you remember. And even more surprisingly, i do not mind...well not that much anyway.

I know its stupid, but i wish you would come back from wherever you are. Not so I can have the romance of a lifetime, but because you are you and and that makes everything seem so much...um...well...chocolate like.blush.

You are like that one wonderful cup of mocha I had some many ages ago on a rainy day...not perfect...but bitter and at the same time, with a wonderful warmth and sweetness that completely took me in. I have had many mochas since then...one more exquisite than the other, but none that was so...enchanting.

Well, that is as much as I can tell you here. Wasted effort...you hate reading,I know. Take care and grow up...but not completely!

And as for you horrible readers, I have no wish to disclose any identity whatsoever. Do not guess. And ask? Yeah right.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Another Message...

Just so all of you know, I am turning 19 this Sunday. This is the first of my many birthdays away from home and friends,so just wish me. Even if you do not want to....just do it huh? Just comment a "Happy Birthday". Man! What I have to do to get comments!

This is another "for someone post". And if i decide not to mention who, here and in future posts please do not call me and ask me to do so...there is a reason why I do not mention it you know!

Its been years since i last saw you... and yet i just saw you last night. When you left, i thought i would eventually stop thinking of you someday. Actually, i was afraid that i would. But it seems that the more you dissolve into my history, the more i feel you are a part of my "now".

Earlier this month i saw bits and pieces of my childhood and not too long ago memories walking out of my house. Yes, it was painful and i did cry and did not bother to hide that. It was a pain so great in its intensity, that i felt it physically. It was not the kind of pain that comes along too often. Maybe because if it did, survival rate would be much lower. And yet, it was familiar. I had felt that way before...when you left.

I said "I'll see you" to the streets on which i learnt to walk, because i could not bear to say "goodbye" and because it gave me a hope of returning. Kind of in the way i never let myself say goodbye to you and did not let myself hear it either.

I would stare at the lights on the distant hills and the smell the pine trees and try to capture them in me and pray that they would stay fresh until i came back. i tried to steal that sensation of warmth under a quilt, and the sound of the soft pitter-patter of rain on the windows in june. i walked on those sloping tiny roads and let myself drown in the air so fresh, I could swear there were dew drops on it. I let myself cry while i saw the sun set on a pinkish-orange horizon till the sky became the richest blue. And i could hear the promise of warmth, security and belonging being made to me.

Had i known that i one day would have to let you go as well, I would have done just that. I would have drowned in the sensation of holding your hand as we walked along those very streets, of feeling each hug and living it. I would have devoted my listening skills every time you had something to say. I would cry in your arms just for the pure comfort of it.

I would have tried cooking at 8 years of age just so i could see how you liked it. I would have started writing years ago, even more nonsensical, so you would listen, and i know you would even if it was horrible. I would have asked you all those questions i never did. I would try to know you.....the foundation of my being. And i would have told you about myself.

You probably hate me now. I know i can never be what you would have liked. But just know that i just went along on the only road i could find. I have made my mistakes unknowingly and sometimes not so much. And I am not done yet. But i will have to make my own mistakes right? Maybe you would have wanted me to.

There is so much i want to do and i will do. I just need to know that you are there because sometimes you seem so far off. What I am now and what i will become may not please you or me either. But just remember me as i was when we started out. The one you loved so much.

Some regard me as "too soft". And i regard them as "too hard up without reason and proud of it". But deep down i cannot just let myself be. I do not know if i need an approval. But i remember what you used to make me feel like......that i can be whoever i want and that is ok with you. I want that. And i believe you will always give me that.

I have, i guess searched for your replacements. A stupid thing because that does not exist. I can never look up at anyone the way I did to you. Neither can i love anyone the same way.

I know we will meet agin one day. Just hug me when we do. It has been far too long alrerady. I dream about that day, that feeling of that reunion sometimes. And i crave to go home because i know that that is the closest i can come to it in this lifetime..........the sound of the rain reminds me of ur embrace, the air carries your scent and the sunset brings back that old feeling of knowing that you will be home in sometime.

I miss you DAD and i love you.

P.S.:This was for my papa,as in father. Clear on that i hope! This cafe is hopeless so dont mind the errors. the keyboard is dying.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Messages

So i changed the layout of my blog. Yay!!!! well...not so much.

Shifted to delhi one day ago and I am not excited to say the least. So I have recently earned a new name "The Cribber." I am very sad about leaving home and so my next few posts will most probably be about shillong and home. I hope no one minds. But if anyone does.......eh! well bother.

My last few days in shillong were spent packing and so i did not get to do any of the things i really wanted to. For instance, i did not get to say a lot of things to people who by now must have gone off to heaven knows where. So that is what I will do now though again i know more than half of them will never read it. But if the number of people who read my blog was a condition, I should have stopped long ago.

Dear Ps, too much of straightening with an iron will one day ruin your not so great hair. As it is, sometimes it looks like the end of a formidale broomstick to me.

Sb, though i pretty much do like you, it is my duty as a friend to tell you that over the years you have become filmy and are not showing any signs of stopping. But please do. Oh and plastic earrings whoch match your clothes are not "Oh My God! Wow!"

Fg, I know you are brilliant, but you can also be a crashing bore! stop being mean when its not really needed and stop grinning when you are trying to look cute. You don't!

Oh El, i know you do not want to be, but you are one of the sweetest people in the world.

Lj, i don't like you! i never said i did and i do not know why you seem to think that i do but i don't! you annoy me! other than that I am sure you are great! Its just I don't want to know.

Ms. K, heaven knows why you had so much faith in me. It is pointless. But thank you for it. It was nice to think someone did and still does...I hope.

Sir S, I think you are great. Its just that i feel the same way about your subject as i do about gas.......not good.

Ms. An, I love you...I do!

Dear Ja, you are talented and have a lot to offer. So stop calling yourself stupid.

Mo, I pray everyday that you come here. I have told Santa too.

Dad, you have spoilt me. But i love you for it. And for everything about you. You are one of the most missed ones. The next time i see you, I am going to squeeze your cheeks so hard!

Oh and Un...get some therapy. And by that i do not mean a bodywash.

Well, that much for now. And my dear "silent" readers, cut the silence. It wont kill you to comment. If it did not kill you to read, commenting will not either. Trust me.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Hollow,Hollow...You.

this post is for someone who used to be an inspiration, but now is a figure that arouses that pathetic emotion called pity...


i am writing this for you, and yet i know you may never read it. why? well maybe because reading...the real sort of reading requires some sort of emotion...like curiosity,interest,etc. and i do not know whether you are capable of feeling any feeling.


you go on everyday telling yourself that life is but one long war for you to fight in. you pretend to be this unreachable, strong rock sitting on the edge of a steep cliff...immovable.


but you know what? life is not a war, atleast not for everyone. life is what you make it. and not all of us turn it or view it as a war. strength...yes you have it no doubt. but strength can be of different kinds. dont laugh at someone who cries thinking he is weaker than you. no, he maybe stonger than you even, because he knows that his tears symbolize that he has emotions left in him and he is proud of them. not everyone takes pride in pretending that this world is too small to get to them.


i have seen you pretend...pretend smiles and pretend hugs with people you claim do not matter. and when i ask why, you say that you need to get along. oh please! get real. you are just pleasing them. and if they really did not matter, why would you?


you think love is stupid. you think friendship is a lie. you parade the fact that you do not love anyboby but those that you have to because of reasons as shallow as blood. when will you understand that people do not only love when they have to. when will you understand the value of someone's love which you have earned? its something sacred that you give to those who deserve it. it has to be earned...by strangers and blood ties alike.

ask youself, when was the last time you said something to encourage someone? when was the last time someone told you "thanks for being there". forget that, when was the last time YOU said that to anybody? maybe the number of times i have won a prize...and that is not a lot. maybe even lesser than that right?

you have built this wall around you. don't you see, no one is going to wait on the other side forever. i know because i wont.

you claim people do not show you affection. how can they? when was the last time you told anyone that you love them, or miss them, or anything at all? you feel bad about yourself saying you have been hurt. maybe by me? but i doubt that. i do not know if there is enough left in you for me to hurt.

try and think of yourself as you were some years ago and then see if you can even recognize yourself. you and your so called knowledge. do you realize that the ones for whom you are fighting your "battle" do not even have the freedom to come and say anything nice to you for fear of being called babies? you react like sodium in hot water when someone tries to even help you out. but you are only too willing to say what others have to do. you cannot save everyone. people have to make their own mistakes. dont 'try to better everyone else's situation. just try and live whatever is left of your existence...because what you have is not a life.

you have made fun of me ever since i can remember. maybe i was to take it as fondness in disguise. so i do not expect any better of you. but i hope for it. i cannot understand you. i dont want to. yes i know i am stupid and weak. but i still can laugh at old times, i still feel great when i am hugged, i still feel like loving and dreaming at the end of it all. while you are so busy pointlessly ramming your head against walls and hearts of all kinds.

i hope you can lie to yourself nicely enough at night. you need it. but despite everything i do love you. only the "i love you because i have to" equation does not apply in my case. i will till i have the strength to. you are not mine to save, but i hope someone does.

you are becoming hollow...and i feel sorry for you.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

This & That...

so this is hello again.i was away for a lot of reasons...not that you are wondering i know.oh how i would love to tell you how my exams went...not!all i remember are nightmares, fear, stomach rumbles and pain...oh the pain!its amazing i survived.actually, its amazing i got to the 12th standard in the first place.

now,here i am with a scary tomorrow before me, blogging and munching a delicious mutton roll. sigh...well not that much.there is so much to write that i dont want to write. so i want this post to be about a list of my likes and dislikes which people i've lived with my entire life or less do not know and will probably never ask...but i will write anyway...

1.i love the colour red (not on me, no) and i love spicy food more than gold.

2.carnations are my favorite flowers and cauliflowers my least favorite.

3.i can spend days only watching friends,ally mcbeal,the wonder years...i cry sometimes after watching the last two.

4."the fresh prince of bel-air" is my greatest source of strength and inspiration.

5.i feel most sleepy when i go shopping...especially with my sisters.

6.i am addicted to chocolate and have been bribed many times with it. i have accepted too.

7.i nurse a special reverence for garfield and roark (variety).

8.i cry at the drop of a hat. i have improved lately. now its at the drop of bigger hats.

9.i feel physical pain when someone i love is mean. yeah i know i sound like cinderellla! oh and i hate that story by the way.

10.i first fell in love at the age of 7...with mr.anderson's tales. oh and speaking of love, i once had a hulk sized crush on someone who smiled at me one day and it took me a whole minute to return it because a hundred cats were sitting on my tongue, as well as my head.

11.i am afraid i am a romantic at heart.sad.

12.i feel too much at times. at other times i am blank.

13.sometimes i see myself years later, playing with a child...mine. yes, i have thought about that as well.dont you judge me.

14.my idea of a dream wedding (yes, this as well) is one on a hill side at sunset with only me and the fool who i will marry, with the one who will marry us of course.

15.because of the above and many others, chances are i will die single!

16.sometimes i dream about living alone with a good enough job. i am not very ambitious you see, there is simply no point.

17.i have a thousand questions on my mind and a million dreams and i am waiting for someone who will listen. i am afraid its going to be a long wait.

18.i hope of coming back here one day and live in a woodden house with a small garden.

19.i dont appreciate people calling me to tell me why i should listen to rock.

20.sometimes i cry simply because i want to.

21.i bought a card 5 years ago because i thought it was pretty and have found someone to give it to only now.

22.i would not share this roll with anyone even if i were in love with him.

22.i will hate any sarcastic comments on my list thankyou-very-much!

ok, so now you are bored and i am tired. so, go read a better blog and i will eat.until next time...