Thanks

this is a big thankyou to all who commented on the previous post. it was the first time i was on the verge of tears while reading the comment page (for a good reason).
someone said it was "writing at its best" (blush). someone said my mom would have been proud of me:).but what was best was that it was so very comforting.like a warm quilt on a rainy night. to be comforted feels nice. but to be comforted by people who do not even know you, to feel cared for feels so...well...sigh.
moving on...last week my distant aunt in a village type place gave birth to a girl...her second girl.
my entire extended family...that is the women went "oh!too bad." my reaction was this'"uh..wha...what?" then they went on to explain how they had wanted a boy because apparantly if a boy performs rituals after his family members death,it is much better for the soul.yes...i know...crap!
they went on to say they felt so very disappointed when i and my sis-2 were born,especially me.ouch.that hurt. i have not been ignorant about gender woes. i just never expected this in my own backyard.
and all this why? would i have loved my parents better as a boy? would i be a better sibling as a boy?no. its a ridiculous thought. but there it is!
i remember watching old movies about this as a kid.i remember going to my father and apologizing for being a girl (my age:4). i remember my father laughing (he had a strange sense of humour).its pathetic. i felt disgusted at these women and its not a great feeling.
i'm not a rebel or anything.but i'm not going to let them make me feel sorry for being a girl.humanity must be sorry enough at their existence in the first place. where is that basic sense of human compassion? is having a child not about creating a living acknowledgement of your love? is a child not a part of you, regardless of its sex?
whatever.oh my sister is coming this saturday.(yay!) i remember going to school,seated in a car with both of them on each side of me thinking "i have the best!". yeah well...hehe.
p.s.:i wrote my first fan letter to one of my favourite authors and the sweet thing replied!(yahoo!)

Thanks

the following post is for mom.
in a few hours time,it will be a year since you went. there are a lot of things i want to say to you. but let me give you a general update first. i got 95 in history mom. can you believe it? of course you cannot. sis-2 got a job in mumbai. that is something i still cannot believe. mom, do you remember telling me that evening about your hopes that she will one day marry that someone,and i sat on the floor roaring with laughter? well, mom, not going to happen,trust me! told you! but do not worry i will not tell anyone about it. i will save you the embarassment! your eldest is still the same stubborn pixie. i have become more messed up. your family is crazy. so there you go.
how has a year passed so soon? i cannot believe its been a year since i last heard your voice calling out my name. a year since i last gave you a glass of water. a year since i last touched you.it seems like yesterday.
yesterday i was looking at your stack of sarees,touching them,trying to find your touch.everywhere i look, there is something that screams of your existence. then how come you are not there?
this last year has been a blur. people have moved on.maybe you have too. but i am still standing there. i do not want to go on. every evening i half expect you to come from work and tell me to make you tea. every now and then i wait for you to call out my name. and every time i feel a my reality's slap on my face.
i feel guilty when i laugh sometimes. how can i just pretend like everything is all right when nothing is? people tell me you are happier now and so i should be happy for you. but i am not happy. when i look at what i have become, i am not happy.
i know for a fact that even if i spend the rest of my life apologizing, it will not be enough. i'm sorry i was not a good daughter. i am sorry i could not take better care of you. i am sorry i hurt you. i am sorry i could not make you proud. but i wish you had given me some more of your time.
i remember your pain. now i even understand it. do you remember you asked me if i could take care of myself without you. i did not answer you then. but is it too late to say "no i will not be ok"? when you said you could not stand the pain and wanted it to be over, i was stone cold. but mom i did not want to be, everyone told me that if i wanted you to get well, i would have to be that way, be "strict". all i wanted to do was to cry and tell you how much i needed you.
when i was leaving the hospital and you held my hand and told me you were scared, i died a hundred times over in that moment. you told me to pray for your release. how could i do that mom? i remember avoiding to look at you. your eyes seemed to scream "why?". and i had no answer.
mom, somewhere i hate you for going. but i know you did not want to. what do i do? i feel so angry, so empty. where do i turn to now. why do i hate realising the helplessness of the orphan that i have become? but i promise you one thing mom, i'll never let you go.
there is a song that reminds me of you. it goes like this...
why do the birds go on singing?
why do the stars glow above?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when i lost your love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder
why everything is the same as it was?
i can't understand no i cant undestand.
how life goes on the way it does?
why does my heart go on beating?
why do these eyes of mine cry?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when you said goodbye.
i know that if i am living, its for a purpose. but i dont want to without you. every smile, every dream, every achievement is and will always be incomplete without you. i will be incomplete without you.
i do not have the strength in me to write anymore. i just want to say that i love you and plead you to wait for me. you will right? you will be with me right? please?
the last time i talked to you, i promised you i would take you home. i never got the chance. but i still want to fulfill that.
come back home,please ma?