Here It Ends.

my sweet reader,the following post is for a friend, sort of a letter actually. and its kind of strange. read on,but you have been warned...
hi. how have you been? i'm writing this to tell you all that i can and the strangest thing is that i'll never know whether you will ever read this or not. anyway...
let me begin by thanking you for all that you have done for me and more than that. you have been great. you have made me so much stronger. thankyou for the faith, the love, the trust...thankyou for being "you."
we have had quite a journey together. we have seen the ups and the lows. i'll never forget how patient you have been with me. all those times i'd dump all my frustration on you and you would listen. all those times i have cried on your shoulder and you let me, so patiently. we have never failed to be there for each other. its been beautiful, thanks.
i remember someone telling me that i try too hard to be understood. i do not know about the "too hard" part, but i guess most of us try to be understood. but with you, i never, NEVER had to try. you accepted me, in every sense of the word. somewhere you became another best friend. i thought that this was truly "friends forever."
and look at what has happened. i cannot bring myself to believe it. i cannot believe that now i'm actually going on without you, that you are a part of my past now. i cannot believe how badly we have hurt each other. sorry. i truly am sorry.
call it coincidence or plain dumb luck, but guess what song is playing in the cyber?
if only you could see the tears
in the world you left behind
if only you could hear my heart
just one more time
even when i close my eyes
there's an image of your face
and once again i come to realize
you are a loss i can't replace...soledad...
you hurt me, yes you did. i wish i could say "lets just forget it and move on." but i'm not in a position to do that. so what if we are not friends any longer, we have those memories that we made. they will last, trust me. but for all the trust and the love, some hurts just simply run too deep.
maybe one day, say 10 years from now, we should meet? i just hope that day i have it in me to look you in the eye and say "so?what have you been upto this past decade?" but right now, its just too much. i do not think we can forgive and forget so easily.
anyway, i just hope you can find all the happiness you are looking for. i also hope that you never have a friend like me again. you are better off without people like us. we do not make for good friends anyway. just know, you are missed. also know, i am sorry. and i know you are too.but guess that will not do, will it?
now i have to stop writing before people start staring at the freak who looks like she has been crying in a cyber. all the best. stay well and take good care of yourself, ok?
p.s.: somehow i am not able to post a comment on the last post. so this is a reply to another brick on the wall: stop feeding nonsensical ideas into paranoid raghu's head. relax! i'm not in love. that is one blessed emotion i am not capable of.

JUMBLED...

its been quite sometime since the last post, but i did not really have a lot to write about. even now there isnt much to say. no,correction:there is too much to say and no apparent outlet. so many incidents, so many thoughts, so many emotions...all have merged to form this huge body of "I DON'T KNOW."anyway,there are a few things i would like to say...(duh)...
last week was one of my bestest friend's 18th birthday. we have been friends for 5 years and something months now. i can safely say that she is one of the wierdest people i know. she is not of this world and is utterly disinterested in anything related to it. i remember once in the 7th standard, during one particularly sleepy geography class, this friend of mine was sitting on her chair perfectly still (read:sitting still) and BAM!she fell off her chair, only to realise it after the rest of us. in the 9th standard, she stood up to ask the teacher to let her search for her lost glasses. she sat down and CRUNCH! well,she found them all right!!!
she is one of thee most important people in my life. she is the one who brought harry potter into my life. i just want her to know that i love her extremely much and always will. also thank her for making school so much fun and making my life so much more complete. us (me,her and one more) have been through a lot together and we are just getting stronger by the day. we bring just that little dash of wonderful insanity to each other's lives:)
ok. that was emotional (i hope). there is something that has been disturbing me and i need anyone who is reading this to help me figure this out. some friends of mine claim they are "confused." they do not dare to take chances because they are scared of the consequences. they do not want to ruin what they have by taking chances. they are "insecure,confused people by nature." whats,ifs,buts,what ifs,etc. etc...
yes, i understand we all have our fears. but does it make sense to let those fears get the better of us than our wants? why is everything that is temporary automatically forbidden territory? yes, things do not always work out, but why not try it and know atleast. what is the pleasure in saying "what if" forever? is it so wrong to be selfish sometimes? why remain confused when you can know? why can we not live even temporary things and make the best of it? sometimes, by being too cautious, we kill a little of our dreams, our needs, and a little of ourselves.
please people, tell me!!!
p.s.:Ja, Mo,...i love you both.
p.p.s.:another question for my patient reader: you know love? as in the man-woman kind of (crappy) love? i do not mean the "i love you because its couples only night at the pub tonight." i mean love as in the real,honest, genuine kind? if you do, then tell me,is it possible to feel this kind of love for more than one person (2,3....) at the same time?

Cabs of Pure EVIL!

Yes,yes...i know its a little too early for the second post but i feel duty bound to share this particular incident.
this is a piece of insight to my life:i am always, ALWAYS late for school. its a part of my identity now...
anyway, it seems that my being late has now become a universal law...i am late even if i start out early(eeesssshh). today was particularly beautiful...
i left my abode in good enough time to reach school before that hated bell would scream. but of course, how could i defy THE LAW? i got into a cab and sat there while that wonderful man (the driver) waited for others. waited..waited..and waited some more.
for those who do not know this, shillong taxis are share taxis.now, i have no problem with sharing. but ah!there is a fine distinction between share cabs and pile-on cabs. there were FIVE people (including myself) seated in the backseat of a maruti 800 (there are supposed to be 5 people in the entire cab actually). there were 3 people in the front seat.
to top such inhuman treatment, the wonderful man drove at a speed of say 10kms on those rare stretches of empty roads. oh!he had shoulder length hair...i had to control myself a great deal so as not to pull his mane.
the traffic today was just awesome (what can i say?im so lucky). i finally reached my destination and asked him to stop. but how could he? i guess he had fallen in love with me. so, that wonderful man goes ahead of that point. now im not violent exactly. but at that point i felt like thrashing him with my school shoe. i had to cross the main road thanks to him.
i reached school when the assembly was halfway through. i had to hide myself in the science building to save myself from the teachers.
after school,i was supposed to meet my cousin and go to ma's office for work. so i found myself another cab(this one's driver was also long haired.ghastly!). this cab broke down exactly 7 minutes later.
its been a wonderful day...
P.S.: wonderful man...wherever you are, this is my earnest wish for you:you will have not less than 3, yes i mean THREE tyre punctures on the SAME DAY!

Its a Start....

A very intimidated hello to the blogging world.its taken many, many nerve soothing talks and a week of unfortunate events amounting to unimaginable frustration for me to finally start a blog of my own.you see im not very strong when it comes to taking criticism...hence the nerves.but now things have come to a point where i desperately need a vent...hence the sudden courage.besides i figure writing is about expressing youself...so what the heck?
if ur still reading then god bless you.i want my 1st post to be about my life so far.so if you think you have the patience then read on...
i am the youngest of 3 sisters (the elder 2 of whom are quite accomplished might i add).growing up with siblings can be quite a pain.but fortunately i had quite a nice time with these two...lucky i guess.
right from the start i was "daddy's little girl" through and through.he's spoilt me according to many (thanks 4 that dad!).i guess its safe to say that he was my 1st "best mate".he'd come home from work and i would sit on his lap and talk of everything...from how barbies are so essential for a child to why the boy next door got grounded for that day.and he'd listen on and on...my hero dad.
i was never so close to ma though.i was mortally scared of her.she was the one with a firm hand...which felt pretty hard every time it fell on my poor cheeks(and there were countless such incidents).but shed make me the prettiest dresses in the world.she liked dressing me up,ma.i was fed on the loveliest bengali dishes thanks to her.oh and she was BEAUTIFUL.(ma,where did your genes go exactly?)
i think my sisters deserve a mention...oh i provided them some entertainment all right.i remember at the age of 4 searching for ma's "permission" in her purse, because my sisters said that permission was a red something in her bag.mom scolded me for ransacking her purse (i think she thought i had turned juvenile at 4) only to find those devils having a good laugh at me.they have kissed my poor cheeks so many times,they v gone numb now.
dad passed away when i was 11.seems ages now.a different lifetime somehow.after that, ma and i sort of fell apart.the sisters moved away.it was just me and ma.at a point things got so bad that we could hardly utter sentences without pinching words.i remember crying myself to sleep for letting that happen.but next morning,it would start all over again.
last year ma also passed away.we realised what we had lost a little too late.and now i spend my nights fathoming exactly how much i love and miss her.wish i could tell her that and a million "sorries" to boot.
so now its just us...me and my devils.but we'll get through.we dont exactly parade the love,but we all know its there.i live in shillong,practically alone,awaiting my turn to join my sisters.man i miss them.i dont know what ive turned out to be,but ive still got time i guess.i know im full of mistakes,but not all that bad either.i dont know if i like me,but i hope one day i will.
ok,long enough for the first post.if you are still reading...bless you!how did you last i wonder...don't answer that.so till next time(if there is one) bye,take care and thanks again...i'll improve...i swear!