Me says "wha???..."

its been long..too long since the last post. its just that my life is either very uneventful or is filled with such ghastly, bizzare events...they are unfit for words.
anyway, life is very sad because exams are lodging in my life right now.i'm what you would call "hyper " when it comes to exams. no,no... i'm not studious. just plain hyper. first paper was english. i like the subject a lot, but i'm afraid that will not show on my paper. just gave the dreaded history exam. for the past 2 days, i've slept for 4 hours each day. but did it pay off? yeah right!
i was never academically inclined. but for sometime last year, i had really tried. i got good marks and i was very satisfied. there were the ever disstisfeid elements going "you will have to do much better next time", but i did not really bother. for the first time ever, i felt a drive, a sense of purpose. i was doing it for myself and so, whatever i got,i was happy because i knew somewhere that i deserved it.
however, that notion is pleasing only when what you do get is bright. this time around, something is amiss. yes i do work,but i know its not enough. and yet i cannot convince myself to do any better.
i am scared of what this will do to me. my family and those bloody blood relations might say i do not study. that i can say is not very true. i do work because i have certain very important places i have to go in life. but i'm lacking that drive, that sense of purpose. people will say that i have a purpose,that being a good college. but its about more than that.
i'm not making excuses here (this is meant for the sisters). this thing goes beyond the books. it is about my life as a whole. sometimes i cannot understand the reasons (or rather the lack of them) for the things i do. i have ten different people coming and telling me what to do, how to do it,etc.. they say, "i want you to do well in life.so, you should blah...blah...blah..." i hear and my response? nodding and saying" thank you". and a full stop.
i have lived pretty much alone for the last one and a half, two years, with four, five relations about,whose presence has mattered but has had no impact. the result is that i have started demanding a huge amount of "my" space. i cannot tolerate questions even when the one who asks has a full right to. i'm scared because i do not know what will happen if and when i go and live with my sisters. my temper has become fragile and i fear what it will do to the bonds i consider so precious.
okay,i guess i have pretty much bored you enough. so i will stop now and try to salvage what marks i can for the rest of my exams.oh and one more thing...pleassseeee pray for me!