Warm and Fuzzy...me?

"love...we all want it,not all get it," said john cage of ally mcbeal. its a strange state of mind.i hate all that "you are in love when you cant sleep or eat" nonsense. that is just ill-health.this whole idea of love being out of this world is very strange.i suppose it is subjective. i have always thought of it to be a very earthy,human emotion. perfectly natural and selfish. you love someone inspite of pain. you complain of no reciprocation etc.... but you still do love. why? becacuse you want to. it always makes you feel better...less lonely somehow. so its selfish. for me atleast. to say "I love you" and claim selflessness is stupid.

there are some who beg for it, go looking for it desperately and end up in gutters. there are others who shut their doors on it. and there are some who write about it:)

"i love you to an extent where even your consent or indifference does not matter,"...Ayn Rand. my take on it. if i were to love someone and he were to say "sorry", would it change the fact that i do? no. besides, to say "I love you" is a statement, not a question. for me, love is a sacred concept. correction:MY love, as in my emotions are sacred. even more so than the person.

one-sided love hurts. but this is an emotion that teaches more than anything else. love cannot be thrown out. it has to be worn out. so why not just live it. live its moments of insanity, warmth,pain and all else to the fullest. because at the end of that road, you will be a much better person.besides, one-sided things wear off one day or another.

but people have conditions on it. they ignore it. hate it if it hurts. take it for granted if it is returned. strange...how can people ridicule their own feelings? then they listen to sad songs and feel like they have been chosen to be doomed.they claim their love was never understood.love is not meant to be understood. it is meant to be lived till it breathes.

very few people are capable of loving. of giving a part of their soul to someone else. those are lucky people. so why are only couples considered lucky? why are only permanent endings considered happy? they are not.love someone, not so you can have a coffee partner anytime you want. love someone...for the sheer pleasure and pain of it.

today someone i hold close to my heart has been touched by it. i was so happy, i was half smiling, half crying all the way here. and today another someone's hopes to an eventual deserved happy ending have died. so now i am basically confused as to what facial expression to wear!

i am strange...pretty cold and rude. but sometimes my eyes well up when i watch ally mcbeal.i almost always cry after every wonder years episode.if anyone were to love me (yeah sure!) he would need a thorough check-up.my story is pretty blurry,will always be.its fate i tell you! as for permanence..."loves dont always work out. but who made up the rule that the best ones do?" ally again.

Iskra Spirit...

aaaarrrgghhh!i am so sick of people. i hate living here with a bunch of toads as relatives who all go behind my back telling each other how bad i am. their biggest fear (or hope?) is my boyfriend (?) with whom im having a hot affair . anytime a male friend calls, oh! there it goes again.

i feel like telling them that i do infact have boyfriend(s) and am a slut. besides even if i ever do, i do not think i would need to ask a bunch of smelly hags about it.

and then there are those who are your loved ones...friends,etc.. people who turn to you for help. who claim they never want to hurt you. yet they keep doing things that do infact HURT! they do not do it conciously which is worse. it just goes to show how little they understand and know you.

when i'm angry, i yell. when i'm hurt i am not able to do or say anything. but can those who love you, whom you trust and care about, not get simple basics? i am a doormat. as in i allow anything, even if it comes at the cost of my feelings sometimes. no i am not great. just stupid. i do not open up very easy about everything. nobody can spell things out for someone to get, especially when that someone is supposed to be one of your "best friends".

some say they respect me because i'm so very "understanding". no i am human. i get hurt...and easy. in case you are still lost...yes i am feeling angry and hurt and tired.

and what am i doing about it? am i showing my anger? no. but yes, believe me, i have tried. but i suppose oblivion is a blessed state. sorry for making you read such crap. i had no other choice.

p.s.:my uncle gifted my a sleek n small music player. i am strange...i have named my phone (do not ask) and this one too. well i hate shopping, so i had to even it out somewhere! and it,no sorry he is called Iskra Spirit. it means power of the spirit. this i something i hope i can have someday... Sigh!