Another Message...

Just so all of you know, I am turning 19 this Sunday. This is the first of my many birthdays away from home and friends,so just wish me. Even if you do not want to....just do it huh? Just comment a "Happy Birthday". Man! What I have to do to get comments! This is another "for someone post". And if i decide not to mention who, here and in future posts please do not call me and ask me to do so...there is a reason why I do not mention it you know! Its been years since i last saw you... and yet i just saw you last night. When you left, i thought i would eventually stop thinking of you someday. Actually, i was afraid that i would. But it seems that the more you dissolve into my history, the more i feel you are a part of my "now". Earlier this month i saw bits and pieces of my childhood and not too long ago memories walking out of my house. Yes, it was painful and i did cry and did not bother to hide that. It was a pain so great in its intensity, that i felt it physically. It was not the kind of pain that comes along too often. Maybe because if it did, survival rate would be much lower. And yet, it was familiar. I had felt that way before...when you left. I said "I'll see you" to the streets on which i learnt to walk, because i could not bear to say "goodbye" and because it gave me a hope of returning. Kind of in the way i never let myself say goodbye to you and did not let myself hear it either. I would stare at the lights on the distant hills and the smell the pine trees and try to capture them in me and pray that they would stay fresh until i came back. i tried to steal that sensation of warmth under a quilt, and the sound of the soft pitter-patter of rain on the windows in june. i walked on those sloping tiny roads and let myself drown in the air so fresh, I could swear there were dew drops on it. I let myself cry while i saw the sun set on a pinkish-orange horizon till the sky became the richest blue. And i could hear the promise of warmth, security and belonging being made to me. Had i known that i one day would have to let you go as well, I would have done just that. I would have drowned in the sensation of holding your hand as we walked along those very streets, of feeling each hug and living it. I would have devoted my listening skills every time you had something to say. I would cry in your arms just for the pure comfort of it. I would have tried cooking at 8 years of age just so i could see how you liked it. I would have started writing years ago, even more nonsensical, so you would listen, and i know you would even if it was horrible. I would have asked you all those questions i never did. I would try to know you.....the foundation of my being. And i would have told you about myself. You probably hate me now. I know i can never be what you would have liked. But just know that i just went along on the only road i could find. I have made my mistakes unknowingly and sometimes not so much. And I am not done yet. But i will have to make my own mistakes right? Maybe you would have wanted me to. There is so much i want to do and i will do. I just need to know that you are there because sometimes you seem so far off. What I am now and what i will become may not please you or me either. But just remember me as i was when we started out. The one you loved so much. Some regard me as "too soft". And i regard them as "too hard up without reason and proud of it". But deep down i cannot just let myself be. I do not know if i need an approval. But i remember what you used to make me feel like......that i can be whoever i want and that is ok with you. I want that. And i believe you will always give me that. I have, i guess searched for your replacements. A stupid thing because that does not exist. I can never look up at anyone the way I did to you. Neither can i love anyone the same way. I know we will meet agin one day. Just hug me when we do. It has been far too long alrerady. I dream about that day, that feeling of that reunion sometimes. And i crave to go home because i know that that is the closest i can come to it in this lifetime..........the sound of the rain reminds me of ur embrace, the air carries your scent and the sunset brings back that old feeling of knowing that you will be home in sometime. I miss you DAD and i love you. P.S.:This was for my papa,as in father. Clear on that i hope! This cafe is hopeless so dont mind the errors. the keyboard is dying.