the following post is for mom.
in a few hours time,it will be a year since you went. there are a lot of things i want to say to you. but let me give you a general update first. i got 95 in history mom. can you believe it? of course you cannot. sis-2 got a job in mumbai. that is something i still cannot believe. mom, do you remember telling me that evening about your hopes that she will one day marry that someone,and i sat on the floor roaring with laughter? well, mom, not going to happen,trust me! told you! but do not worry i will not tell anyone about it. i will save you the embarassment! your eldest is still the same stubborn pixie. i have become more messed up. your family is crazy. so there you go.
how has a year passed so soon? i cannot believe its been a year since i last heard your voice calling out my name. a year since i last gave you a glass of water. a year since i last touched you.it seems like yesterday.
yesterday i was looking at your stack of sarees,touching them,trying to find your touch.everywhere i look, there is something that screams of your existence. then how come you are not there?
this last year has been a blur. people have moved on.maybe you have too. but i am still standing there. i do not want to go on. every evening i half expect you to come from work and tell me to make you tea. every now and then i wait for you to call out my name. and every time i feel a my reality's slap on my face.
i feel guilty when i laugh sometimes. how can i just pretend like everything is all right when nothing is? people tell me you are happier now and so i should be happy for you. but i am not happy. when i look at what i have become, i am not happy.
i know for a fact that even if i spend the rest of my life apologizing, it will not be enough. i'm sorry i was not a good daughter. i am sorry i could not take better care of you. i am sorry i hurt you. i am sorry i could not make you proud. but i wish you had given me some more of your time.
i remember your pain. now i even understand it. do you remember you asked me if i could take care of myself without you. i did not answer you then. but is it too late to say "no i will not be ok"? when you said you could not stand the pain and wanted it to be over, i was stone cold. but mom i did not want to be, everyone told me that if i wanted you to get well, i would have to be that way, be "strict". all i wanted to do was to cry and tell you how much i needed you.
when i was leaving the hospital and you held my hand and told me you were scared, i died a hundred times over in that moment. you told me to pray for your release. how could i do that mom? i remember avoiding to look at you. your eyes seemed to scream "why?". and i had no answer.
mom, somewhere i hate you for going. but i know you did not want to. what do i do? i feel so angry, so empty. where do i turn to now. why do i hate realising the helplessness of the orphan that i have become? but i promise you one thing mom, i'll never let you go.
there is a song that reminds me of you. it goes like this...
why do the birds go on singing?
why do the stars glow above?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when i lost your love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder
why everything is the same as it was?
i can't understand no i cant undestand.
how life goes on the way it does?
why does my heart go on beating?
why do these eyes of mine cry?
don't they know its the end of the world?
it ended when you said goodbye.
i know that if i am living, its for a purpose. but i dont want to without you. every smile, every dream, every achievement is and will always be incomplete without you. i will be incomplete without you.
i do not have the strength in me to write anymore. i just want to say that i love you and plead you to wait for me. you will right? you will be with me right? please?
the last time i talked to you, i promised you i would take you home. i never got the chance. but i still want to fulfill that.
come back home,please ma?
11 comments:
am sure your mother is proud of you.
just like she is a part of you, you are a part of her. look at yourself and you'll see her in you. you and your sisters are her reflection finally aren't you? she is right there, just call out to her and you'll feel her.
she is ur conscience..dont kill her.. she answers out to every question..donot ignore her..love her protect her..whe will guide her to the light that seeks you.for eternity.
she still smells great, she still feels the same.. she still loves you.
you know wat ur mom may not have quiet enjoyed it at all if ur ver that great daughetr who does everything ur mom tells u too.. she'd love the fact that ur something of your own.. n above all she loves you..so wtf u hurt or not does not matter to her.. by apologisin n feelin so sick about all of that ur just hurtin her more.
shed love to see u happy.. try and look at everything a new way.. try being happy.. try feelin the joy of the rains,the flowers,the greenery,the clouds the sky.. all of it is made for u.. just for u by the one who loves u so much.. shes made it all.. just spend more time with all of them..spend more time with yurself.. spend more time with ur mom.
@ the...
im not sure i knw you but i know i like you.thank you for that.
@raghu...
you are so nice.thank you for that.it really helped.thanks raghu.
i don't knw wat to say as usual.but i knw 1 thing for sure that u were wrong wen u said that u wr never a good daughter.i m sure ur mom, or anyone else reading this comment, agrees with me.look i knw u loved her and always will and i also knw she loves u a lot too.and even if u've never expressed ur feeling for in words it is not necessary that its not knwn to her-wen u were harsh to her i m sure she knew why u were doing all that.u knw it very well that some things even if not expressed by 2 people r just knwn by them.and if u feel u were not a good daughter thn well think again.i knw its abt u bt i can't help mentioning the fact that i feel so horrible and useless yet again.i m really sry naina,i really am.And i hate myself for all that i cannot do wen i should.I AM SORRY YAAR.
95 in history! shez of cors proud of u! it's made u happy! well.. thats made her happy, rt?
yesterday i was looking at your stack of sarees,touching them,trying to find your touch.everywhere i look, there is something that screams of your existence. then how come you are not there?
see.. she's still there.. u felt her existence u say and still u question her presence? aren't u filled with her? aren't u made of her? do u really think she was ever angry at u? do u think she ever needed that apology? do u think she ever thot u were wrong?
when u say u will never let her go, u've done all that was needed of u to do, isn't it? u hav decided to keep her with u; shez never gone, rt there, within u. protect her, keep her.
Every word in that post is a pearl. Writing at it's purest best.You know why? because it comes straight from the heart.
That's where your Mom is. And it's a beautiful place. No one can take her away from there.
I can't tell you anything you don't already know. Just give you my warmest hug for as long as you need it. You're much better than you think you are :)
i think unnecessary guilt runs in the family. is it genetic or something? you know as well as i do that faced with a nightmarish situation, we all did the best we could. and thinking that by acting differently, we could have changed everything, we're being presumptuous. we're not that big, you and i. we can only do our best and hope that it's good enough. and if it isn't, we need to let ourselves accept it. letting go isn't always a choice. so when you have to, do it. and be proud of who you are and what you did. the rest of us are.
I am sure she is proud of u. She is watching u all d time fm somewhere up-there and showering her blessings. Like they say, ur filled with her. I say this ‘cause only I know how proud she was when I told her at Mumbai about ur result. There was that divine light on her face. She kept insisting me to confirm again and again. She told me how u were so fond of ur English teacher. Numerous times, she used to ask me what would happen to u after her…. Dat ur still so young and as always, I used to console her and tell her she’d be fine…. Nothing’s gonna happen to her . .we are all there to take care . . . hell how come I never realized that I was being over….. time and again I feel like crying out loud and ask isn't it too early for her. . . .
She'll always b there for u. U feel her existence around u so how can u question her presence. True, a year has passed by. I still can't think of her not being there. It all seems like y'day only. I still feel like crying when I look at her beautiful photograph on the corner table. I still luv to imagine dat she'd call me up and share her problems like she always used to. .........H E L L .....I MISS HER SO MUCH ........I will always miss her
that was such a lovely post. Your mom will always be there. Always. And don't think you weren't a good daughter. All of us feel the need to do better, for our parents' sake. Our parents have no expectations, all they want is love - and its certain from this post that you have truck loads of it. You're making her proud everyday.
hey shona.... i just pray 2 god dat i want a daughter just like u.... u know wayt wen u get d highest marks in class ur maa is there 2 b proud n she smiles.... not only her wishes r there wid u but she herself is there... always...
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