of snow-men and mittens etc...

hello there. hope you had a nice christmas. actually i had a great one so i can be smug for once! i spent the entire day with some of my best friends, but the food was obviously the best part. behold my list....pulao, mutton(all spicy and smoked and all), fried chicken, chicken curry, mashed potatoes, roast chicken, roast potatoes, chocolate soufle,blackforest cake and of course some surprisingly yummy coffee!hehheh!

shillong is a beautiful place usually. but its just wonderful in winters. incidentally, winter is my favourite time of the year. ah! the pleasure of curling up under a warm quilt at night is simply that...ah!

christmas is my most preferred festival. not that i am religious or anything (i have no energy for that). but i have always liked the idea of families gathering around christmas trees and playing in the snow,etc. but mostly i like christmas because its quiet and a time spent with family and friends minus all the bling and the noise. there is all of that, but is tolerable nonetheless.

i love taking winter-evening walks. everyone walks around with their hands in their jacket pockets with monkey-caps and sweaters. its all so cute! yes yes i know i sound like santa's wannabe helper. well its not a bad prospect considering my impending unemployment!

at dusk, if you take a walk around a neighbourhood here, you will see christmas tress shining in almost all drawing rooms and hear carols every now and then. well, the actual experience is much better than i make it sound. and shillong is heaven during winters. you wake up to a warm bright winter day, have a wonderfully chilly evening with a wonderful cup of coffee and spend your nights staring out of your window at the glittering lights on distant hills.sigh.

i guess i love the build-up to chirstmas more than the actual day. but build-ups are always more fun than the d-days. except during exams and weddings(your own). then its just an increasing scale of horror.

stomach blues.

first off, a note to all my "silent" readers. i do not need the silence. what is the point? you do not have to be the creatures of the night. just say something huh!

i watched a movie with my friends. god bless my embarrased soul. my ahem friends were bawling like babies. it should have been ok since it happens all the time. no matter what the movie, crying is a must. to top it all, one of them forgot she was not at home and started commenting loudly, things like "oh! he's got a cute butt!". i was muttering "shut up, shut up." then she said (loudly) "but its cute yaar!"

i am pretty excited about christmas this year. i have places to go to (for the first time). my new year is going to snooze...as usual. oh! sad life.

some people are having a ball about the fact that i am crushing on a celebrity and do not leave any stone unturned to insult him. they have conveniently forgotten their days of rahul dravid and nick carter. disgusting.

last night i had a horrible stomach ache. it was so bad, i was squirming and moaning in pain. and i suddenly felt so alone. i remembered how mom used to scold me, then give me medicines and i used to fall asleep holding her. last night i had no one to hold. i understood then what people mean when the say "mother's touch".

i was crying from a mixture of pain and emotions. my friend then messaged me (illegally) from her sister's phone telling me a list of do(s). cute na?

my sister called me then. after thirty minutes of nice conservation, i felt so much better. i miss my sisters a lot sometimes. i cannot belive i see them once or twice a year now when i used to see their annoying faces 24*7. i see a lot of my parents in them. now more than ever. i cannot figure how close we are. i just hope pretty much though. i guess this is how it will be:3 people,3 lives,all different.

last night i imagined holding mom and falling asleep next to her. i did. i fell asleep next to her after a long time. thank god for the stomach ache. it brought me back home.

p.s.: hey gobber and goomer (sisters) i love you both.

ARBID ONLY ARBID...

back finally.and had a horrible time away.should.have turned into a blogging traitor.just to keep you updated,i have been ill with a throat infection for some two weeks now.yes i went to a doc.was useless...yay!and for the first time,i was declared"not well enough" for my prelims...so yay yay yay!

ok so i am irritated once again.gee!its a talent i tell you!i know its normal to feel lost sometimes,like i do right now. but normal is meaningless. i have started to lose faith in a lot of things lately. cant say for sure i ever had faith in a lot of people actually. you know those times when you feel like a fool? yes i know...that is normal too. its just that i have been feeling like that a lot lately.

life is full of pain...or so people say. then why can one not just get used to it. why do the same things hurt again and again with the same magnitude if not more. and what is one supposed to do again and again?

i see,feel things slipping from me.everything that i have known,understood...slipping away. how do you get back your self respect? i was never a big fan of me, and i like myself lesser and lesser every time. no these are not teenege pangs (dear sis). this is the after effect of letting people walk over you.

i miss my father a lot. he took pride in what he was. i know now how hard that is a thing to do. i just regret the fact that he was not there long enough to teach me that. i do not think he is too proud of me right now. i am not complaining, i have never given him reason to actually. but i know he loves me all the same. its a rare thing...unconditional love. but there is a quote from the Wonder Years that makes me happy about him. it goes....

"some things are deeper than time and distance.And your father will always be your father...And he will always leave a light on for you."

Warm and Fuzzy...me?

"love...we all want it,not all get it," said john cage of ally mcbeal. its a strange state of mind.i hate all that "you are in love when you cant sleep or eat" nonsense. that is just ill-health.this whole idea of love being out of this world is very strange.i suppose it is subjective. i have always thought of it to be a very earthy,human emotion. perfectly natural and selfish. you love someone inspite of pain. you complain of no reciprocation etc.... but you still do love. why? becacuse you want to. it always makes you feel better...less lonely somehow. so its selfish. for me atleast. to say "I love you" and claim selflessness is stupid.

there are some who beg for it, go looking for it desperately and end up in gutters. there are others who shut their doors on it. and there are some who write about it:)

"i love you to an extent where even your consent or indifference does not matter,"...Ayn Rand. my take on it. if i were to love someone and he were to say "sorry", would it change the fact that i do? no. besides, to say "I love you" is a statement, not a question. for me, love is a sacred concept. correction:MY love, as in my emotions are sacred. even more so than the person.

one-sided love hurts. but this is an emotion that teaches more than anything else. love cannot be thrown out. it has to be worn out. so why not just live it. live its moments of insanity, warmth,pain and all else to the fullest. because at the end of that road, you will be a much better person.besides, one-sided things wear off one day or another.

but people have conditions on it. they ignore it. hate it if it hurts. take it for granted if it is returned. strange...how can people ridicule their own feelings? then they listen to sad songs and feel like they have been chosen to be doomed.they claim their love was never understood.love is not meant to be understood. it is meant to be lived till it breathes.

very few people are capable of loving. of giving a part of their soul to someone else. those are lucky people. so why are only couples considered lucky? why are only permanent endings considered happy? they are not.love someone, not so you can have a coffee partner anytime you want. love someone...for the sheer pleasure and pain of it.

today someone i hold close to my heart has been touched by it. i was so happy, i was half smiling, half crying all the way here. and today another someone's hopes to an eventual deserved happy ending have died. so now i am basically confused as to what facial expression to wear!

i am strange...pretty cold and rude. but sometimes my eyes well up when i watch ally mcbeal.i almost always cry after every wonder years episode.if anyone were to love me (yeah sure!) he would need a thorough check-up.my story is pretty blurry,will always be.its fate i tell you! as for permanence..."loves dont always work out. but who made up the rule that the best ones do?" ally again.

Iskra Spirit...

aaaarrrgghhh!i am so sick of people. i hate living here with a bunch of toads as relatives who all go behind my back telling each other how bad i am. their biggest fear (or hope?) is my boyfriend (?) with whom im having a hot affair . anytime a male friend calls, oh! there it goes again.

i feel like telling them that i do infact have boyfriend(s) and am a slut. besides even if i ever do, i do not think i would need to ask a bunch of smelly hags about it.

and then there are those who are your loved ones...friends,etc.. people who turn to you for help. who claim they never want to hurt you. yet they keep doing things that do infact HURT! they do not do it conciously which is worse. it just goes to show how little they understand and know you.

when i'm angry, i yell. when i'm hurt i am not able to do or say anything. but can those who love you, whom you trust and care about, not get simple basics? i am a doormat. as in i allow anything, even if it comes at the cost of my feelings sometimes. no i am not great. just stupid. i do not open up very easy about everything. nobody can spell things out for someone to get, especially when that someone is supposed to be one of your "best friends".

some say they respect me because i'm so very "understanding". no i am human. i get hurt...and easy. in case you are still lost...yes i am feeling angry and hurt and tired.

and what am i doing about it? am i showing my anger? no. but yes, believe me, i have tried. but i suppose oblivion is a blessed state. sorry for making you read such crap. i had no other choice.

p.s.:my uncle gifted my a sleek n small music player. i am strange...i have named my phone (do not ask) and this one too. well i hate shopping, so i had to even it out somewhere! and it,no sorry he is called Iskra Spirit. it means power of the spirit. this i something i hope i can have someday... Sigh!

Polluted Celebrations...

hello!back after so long but back nonetheless.i witnessed yet another durga puja a few days ago and i want to write something about what i saw. i know it does not sound too great but you do not expect that anyway right?
day-1(Saptami):i see not so much crowded pandals (they are less crowded on the first day,i cant really say why.) junk food stalls line up and people walk about dressed all fancy.some sit and admire the idols.i do too and leave for fear of the crowd gathering strength.

day-2(asthami):i go out at night and see a stream of people all glittering and looking quite ahem pretty(read: scary). i see groups of strange boys staring at glittering females. i see females putting in an extra dose of giggles and hand waving, some enjoying perverted stares. i see women looking at sarees of other women. i see hardly anyone looking at the goddess herself. in one pandal i see a crowd dancing to a bad singer's bollywood tunes. in another section of that same pandal i see 3 to 5 people praying to the idols.

day-3(navami):again i go out at night and make it a point not to wear anything that shines. i stand amidst a sea of people and of strange perfumes all merged and so i pray for fresh air. i see women,girls and children alike all dressed in gleaming clothes and all looking like potential energy sources.

day-4(dashami): i go in the morning to take a last look at the goddess. i see her children half drunk and progressing in the name of the grief they feel to see her go. that people...is puja.

as i child i loved this festival.3 days of fun. i used to wait all year in anticipation. but i remember above all, i used to keep looking at Her idol's face and feeling a strange sadness. it had nothing to do with the pujas ending but i always felt a sense of pain whenever i looked at her. still do.
there is something about Her hair and the way it falls on Her arms that always used to remind me of my own mother. strange,but true.
on the last day this year, i spent 20 minutes or so staring at Her again while people danced around me. for the slightest second i think i saw a sign of Her existence on that clay face. i felt a strange sense of purpose and the security of knowing my path and of company too. no, i am not religious, but i just felt that. i looked around me, at her children, at myself. then i looked back up at Her and suddenly i knew the reason behind that old familiar sense of pain.
almost every dashami evening, a little portion of the sky is stained with red. my grandma told me its a sign of Her love and presence. i believed her. i thought of what people do in those 3 days and understood it to be happiness because the earth's daughter (that is what She is called sometimes) has come home. but this time when i tought of her drunken children bidding her farewell, that same red patch started meaning something very different to me.

Thanks

this is a big thankyou to all who commented on the previous post. it was the first time i was on the verge of tears while reading the comment page (for a good reason).
someone said it was "writing at its best" (blush). someone said my mom would have been proud of me:).but what was best was that it was so very comforting.like a warm quilt on a rainy night. to be comforted feels nice. but to be comforted by people who do not even know you, to feel cared for feels so...well...sigh.
moving on...last week my distant aunt in a village type place gave birth to a girl...her second girl.
my entire extended family...that is the women went "oh!too bad." my reaction was this'"uh..wha...what?" then they went on to explain how they had wanted a boy because apparantly if a boy performs rituals after his family members death,it is much better for the soul.yes...i know...crap!
they went on to say they felt so very disappointed when i and my sis-2 were born,especially me.ouch.that hurt. i have not been ignorant about gender woes. i just never expected this in my own backyard.
and all this why? would i have loved my parents better as a boy? would i be a better sibling as a boy?no. its a ridiculous thought. but there it is!
i remember watching old movies about this as a kid.i remember going to my father and apologizing for being a girl (my age:4). i remember my father laughing (he had a strange sense of humour).its pathetic. i felt disgusted at these women and its not a great feeling.
i'm not a rebel or anything.but i'm not going to let them make me feel sorry for being a girl.humanity must be sorry enough at their existence in the first place. where is that basic sense of human compassion? is having a child not about creating a living acknowledgement of your love? is a child not a part of you, regardless of its sex?
whatever.oh my sister is coming this saturday.(yay!) i remember going to school,seated in a car with both of them on each side of me thinking "i have the best!". yeah well...hehe.
p.s.:i wrote my first fan letter to one of my favourite authors and the sweet thing replied!(yahoo!)